Breathe in, breathe out...

Exhale and inhale...

I feel as though every time I type out a blog, a life time of events have happened since the last. In my most recent post, I talked about Tori and my dispute that day. It was a Friday when I posted that, and the following Tuesday morning my friend Thomas died.

I don't think I'll ever forget that morning. I walked in late as usual, and the lights are off. Nothing out of the ordinary there, but everyone looked like the shadow in the room was swallowing their hearts and blocking their sight of reality. I sat down, and Mr. Pellegrini was near the middle of his speech. At first I thought my friend Tucci had died because sir hadn't said his name and Tucci wasn't in his seat. Instead, he said Tom's name. He sat in front of me in that class, and it was the first class I'd ever had with him. We joked around a lot, him singing Cher, talking about pokemon and the joys of when we were children. I went to the viewing, the funeral, and the service afterwards.

I've never believed in God, and I don't think I ever will. I always knew that we just have this life, and then we end up being a memory inside someones shoe box full of photo's. But Thomas's death made this concept more of a reality for me. Everyone remembers Tom for being a person who had accomplished more than three lifetimes in 17 years of life, and the best friend anyone could ever have. It's caused me to really think about life, and something I have been contemplating intensely for the past few months. Time. It's man made, and we all say it is endless. Yet there are certain days when things are supposed to end. 2012, the world will supposedly end because the Mayan calender ran out. It was made by people, and even though they were spread out all over the world came up with the same concept. But this is not all for certain, right? What if the all came up with their own calender that was all very similar, but had minor differences? Then over a few decades, their cultures happen to intertwine. Would they not just adapt to each other and create the calender, and just keep it that they all came up with something nearly identical? There could be centuries of difference in their calenders, but it would all follow on the same pattern. What of that possibility? I'm sure that there are many, and that no one could ever know the truth of the past.

The truth of the past. That's what I wanted from Tori, remember? Her and Lor made up because of Tom's death, and her and Nikki are on much better terms now as well. I have a gut feeling that Tori expected me to instantly become friends with her because our friend passed. Yet, the two situations have nothing to do with each other. I respect and am on a level happy that my friends have extended their friendship with Tori, because it makes them happier. But on another level, I find it rather pathetic. Do they simply forgive and forget what she has done to each of them? Tori has trampled Lor many times to get what she wants, despite Lors feelings in the situation. She didn't listen. Tori admits her mistakes, says she feels horrible, and then repeats the whole thing. How can I trust her, if she won't even tell me the truth of the past?

This is the difference between time and our friendship. People can not simply ask those who created time, for they have long since had their life expire. I asked Tori, because she still lives. She wanted me to be honest with myself to her. I was, and she just turns around and gives me a flaming attitude filled with excuses and ends with the result that it was in the past and shouldn't matter. But it does matter because if she can't be honest about the past, how can I expect her to be honest about the present, or in the future? I don't see her benevolence with that. I find her now to be rather bombastic and narcissistic.

I have the prediciment with Kevin, too. Everyone has told me that he loves me, head over heels, and that he even got depressed when I failed to reply to a text message. I think his song "Sounds of Bliss" is about me as well, for it was written during the time I've known him and talks about a fair maiden and the sky with shades of blue and brown. My eye colours. It's rather vexing, for I don't see me being able to be in a relationship anytime in the near future. I'm too confused with the workings of life. I've told him many times that he is my friend. I don't wish to hurt him, but I don't think it's avoidable at this point. I just hope he doesn't openly confess and expect and answer, for it really will just break his heart. I know he's gone through a lot in the past while, and I don't want to add to that.

Everything doesn't seem too real at the moment, despite the brick wall of reality from Thomas's death. I wonder how it feels to die, and I wonder how I will be remembered by others. I wonder how long they will remember me when I die, or if they'll remember enough to care I'm gone. Am I naive to simply put a pass on the doom of 2012? With all these things running through my mind on top of the pressure of my education, I have resorted to finding peace in the simplest of matters. Such as blinking. It feels refreshing, just as the smell of spring is that flutters through my gable window. All I can do is breathe deep, and try to keep my thoughts afloat the cool river in my mind.

Feels like I'm trying way to hard

and like I haven't tried at all...

So much happened today. Mr. Pellegrini wasn't in class this morning, like he said, because he was at his unvles funeral. I feel so bad, I wanted to cheer him up when he told us his uncle was sick this week but I didn't really know what to do. He's one of my favourite teachers, and I won't see him until Tuesday because of the cosmo trip. Ms. Morretta subbed for him though, and she's another one of my favourite teachers so life was pretty good.

I went to Tori's after school like I said I would. I walked with Nikki since she still lives in that area right after school, and I waited for like ten minutes. I left a message saying almost exactly this [the wording was probs a bit different, including a lot of uhms lol] : Hey Tori, so I just stood out side your house for about ten minutes like I said I would. I put in the effort, and you just aren't being honest. Your loss." She replied on facebook, yeah still when she could have called my cell considering she was closer to the phone to check messages, saying she was out with family [when I saw her brother driving home by himself when I was walking back home] and said I left a nasty message. I was blunt, not nasty. And then she had the nerve to say she didn't remember not being honest! Like, excuse me? She lied and twisted every fact about the whole deal, not just my words but her words to make her seem more in the right. Even more of a blunder, she's been out of school all week. Where does she suddenly get off at going out for lunch? For reals, her lung infection is contagious. Great job infecting the world, my "normal, good friend."

Anyways, afterwards I went down to Becca's and we made her FOB video but we didn't finish it in time. So instead we're going to finish it and then post it up on youtube. We watched MOD, went to the Japanese restraunt next to her house, the park, and then watched some TV. I really needed a good hang out, it helped me from eating myself for being so forceful with Tori even though I know it was the best desicion. Now I'm just debating giving back the stuff she gave me.

On the way home we picked up the mail, and inside was my acceptance letter to UTM's Humanities program! First choice university! Soooo excited! And to top it off, I FINALLY got to use the line "Truth be told, I miss you. And truth be told, I'm lying." AHAHA! It was so great! I used in on Kevin. Ohhhhh how satisfying. Been waiting to use that line all week. Oh, happy days.

My surface is so tough, I don't think the blade will dig in

and that is I expect nothing less from you tonight...

Soooo Tori fb me and Becca asking about all the beef. I told her why I was mad at Brianna and stuff, and then said I still have stuff to resolve with her. She instantly got all defensive and in my face about it, about how there's nothing left to disscuss. We didn't even talk for two minutes about it. So I said no, I have questions and deserve answers. Lets meet up sometime and get it over with so we can move on, but she made even more beef about how she has a hard time doing things in person and has hid behind the protection the internet has given her. I just kept telling her about how I feel about the situation, told her the questions, and she gave me even more answers where she's just giving more withheld information with each post she made to the thread and wants me to just jump right in and say I believe every word she wrote and move on with life. No, that's not how real problems are worked out. I told her I couldn't do that, and needed to hear her appologise in person because anyone can just type an "I'm sorry." It means nothing. And she still gave me attitude! She thinks that just because she doesn't want to talk about it that it's over and done with. I told her I'd walk to her house after school tomorrow for the appology. But ohmygoodness, if she gives me the attitude she had in those posts I am going to verbal slap her and then bitchslap her with the back of my ring hand.

I can't count the nights

when I've hoped tomorrow won't come...

I started watching a new anime today about a shy girl who always carries around her sketch book with the underlying morale that not every moment can be documented, so it's best to relish every minute. Though the theme is cliche, I find it very true. Especially when I bring into the fact that I only have three months left of high school.

Strawberry banana smoothie popsicles are ftw! :]

xxx

Where's your picket fence, love?

and where's that shiney car? And did it ever get you far?

I haven't posted in forever and a half, so I thought I should to let some stuff off my mind.

Dave just posted on my facebook wall that he would like me to live with him and Tori in Tdot with whomever else if I decide to go to York. I like Dave, he's a good guy to be friends with. But, I don't even know if I can be friends with Tori right now. I feel horrible, because when I look back during my debate time I feel as if I've pretended to be her friend when I'm not even sure. I just, repsonded. I have so much to sort out with her, it's unbelievable. First I find out that she's been hiding that she had David over to her house three days after we broke up and kissed him for, oh almost three years. I thought I would just need to adjust with the fact that it happened in the past. I told her afterwards it was still bothering me, and when I look back at it she just shrugged it off. It just keeps surfacing everytime I worry about anything.

Why was he even there? Did she invite him, or did he just show up? If so, why? Why would she even let him into her house, after everything he did? After how horrible she knew I was feeling? Nicole made it clear to him that they were on my side the night he ended it. Tori said she was on my side, then and now. So then, why was he there? Why did that have to happen? Why can't I just forget about it? I don't know. I want to know. I think she knows...

Also, Kevin is soon to be blatantly professing his love to me. Not that he hasn't all ready, like he hasn't said it yet but it's obvious. Alex MacDonald keeps yelling at me to go out with him in the halls since I met him. I mean he wrote a song about me then sang it over the phone to me. I couldn't hear much of it, but it mentioned my eyes. I played it off as I couldn't hear because of my crappy phone speaker but... I don't know. I think I'm stuck unless I know the answers to those questions. I can't answer him properly. I... I want to open up. Maybe to Kevin, maybe to someone else. I don't know. I never cry. Why does all this make me want to cry?

Goodness, I wish the feeling that things are going to end would go away. I know things are going to end. I'm graduating, my friends backstab eachother then don't bother listening long enough to figure out what really happened. They just make assumptions and blame. They make hatefull decisions. I'm going to University, while the three best friends I can actually depend on being there for me and being just are either staying back a year or are still in highschool. Gawd, shut up tears and just stay in the sockets like you're supposed to.

Now that I'm back from Florida, I have to deal with this shit. Tori found letters Lor left in her room when they were still friends about her ex Taylor. They were all like venting letters, kinda like what I do on here. Her and Brianna wanted to give them to Taylor. Now I'm even doubting Dave, because someone told me he was okay with it and that he was actually going to drive there. Not only does that hurt Lor's feelings, but Taylor's too. I don't know Taylor at all, but I don't think he did anything wrong. Lor was the one that messed up that relationship, though I'm sure he had some part in it too, he doesn't deserve to have old scars smashed open with a rusty old nail. I don't hate Lor, and I don't dislike her. I tried to give her another chance at reestablishing the trust, and she blew it. I'm not going to pretend with her. I owe that much at least. If I say anything to her, I feel like I shouldn't be saying anything at all. I don't know if that influenced by others or just my own intuition now. Anyways, I digress. She doesn't deserve that either. When Tori and Brianna gave Becca the letters to look at, she did the right thing by giving them back to Lor.

This isn't fair. So many people I thought I could trust have just stepped on me. I thought I was done with this. I said I could just tell them to shut up when I was disscussing it with Lauren, but I don't know. I haven't done any of that so far. I should.

When I talk to Brianna about anything involving anyone she doesn't like, she just rampages on about how ew that person is. How horrible they are, how it's a wonder I can even stand to be in the same room as them, ect. Even Jaime was better at dealing with that shit. I was besties with Lauren Davies back in the day when I was friends with Jaime, and I would tell her stories and she would be able to see the point and laugh about it. Sure she would stop me at the beginning, but only to say that even though she doesn't like Lauren Davies, she respected that I was friends with her and would leave it at that. Like, seriously. Is that so damn hard?
Brianna also keeps trying to pit off the shit she has going on at home as an excuse for her behaviour. Guilting doesn't work. She just wants pity, which is something she will never admit. It's so goddamn frustrating. The things that come out of this girls mouth sometimes just make you want to throat punch her and make her watch the news so that she can understand what is right and wrong in the world.

I'm going to deal with this stuff. I'm full out going to deal with it. I'll get Becca, Tori, and Brianna in a room and we will disscuss everything. Sort shit out. Of course I'll tell Becca about it first though. The other two can just meet me there. I mean, Lor used to be their FRIEND. How could they even think about doing something like that? If anyone did anything like that to them, no one would ever hear the end of it. They would probably burn the school down in their rage. It feels like if they don't get their way, then nothing else matters. No, I know it's like that.

Goodness, now I'm all frustrated before sleep. I'm going to be thinking about this all night now.

Sympathy's better than having to tell you the truth

all you are to them is now a lost cause...

I had a dream last night that was rather vivid. I was in this house that, now that I think about it, somewhat resembled my old neighbors house but it was much more open and larger. It had wooden floors, and the walls were painted an ivory colour. I walked in through the front door, and it was a dry blue grey outside like the effects they have in music videos. The rooms were empty, though I really only saw two. There was the front entrance which led into a large room that was divided into three, there were stairs leading up on the left and then when you walked forwards there was the kitchen on the right with another staircase in the center that led upstairs. The back doors were French, and open with a breeze blowing transparent curtains.

There was this little girl, I'll name her Cadence for now, and she was dead. A ghost, but solid. She was pretty, pale skin with light freckles, long dark hair and beautiful doe like eyes of hazel with thick lashes. She wore a white dress, as did I. I always wear simple white summer dresses in my dreams for some reason. She was angry, and sad. She walked towards the back door, and where she stepped rotten rose petals appeared. When she turned back around, I was in her life. She had a family, Mother, Father, and two siblings. She was the youngest. There was a man that was trying to be with her mother, but she was in a happy marriage. He kept barging in however, and even came in through the back door and sat at the breakfast table when the parents were busy. During this time, everything was bright. There was furniture around and the girl was happy, though skeptical, curious, and rather frightend of the man.

As a note, the man kept turning into a pretty woman. It kept changing between a man wanting to get with the wife to a woman trying to steal the husband. In the end it was the man after the wife, so that is how I shall continue this story.

One day the man has stepped on the childrens toys, and then had a bit of a spaz and told the children things that children shouldn't hear. I'm not sure what it was, I just know the man stepped on her doll and then tore it's head off and pulled out the stuffing. The father had enough of this man, for the mother was too kind to make him leave, and so the father took over. The next day the family, save for the father, was eating breakfast. The mother was washing dishes when the man came in. The mother went outside, following a trail of rose petals the man had left. She walked over to the garden on the right of the back yard, where her husbands bloody corpse lied under a mountain of rose petals. She fell to her knees and screamed, sobbing and pounding the ground.

The man was sitting at the table, watching from the window. Cadence stood from her chair and went to pick up the petals and crawled around, following the path. The man kept dragging her back, saying the petals were not something for her to play with. The mother came back inside with a grave face, and continued with the dishes.

My dream changed to being at my house, I dyed parts of my hair pink, and I wanted to put blue in so that it wouldn't be so bright but my blue turned out to be blonde. I was all excited because there was supposed to be this party and a guy I liked was going to be there but by the time I came back with the blue dye everyone was there and I still had this towel on my head hiding the brightness of this pale pink. So I excused myself and put the blue in and came down an hour later. It was weird.

The dream changed again and it involved magicks of some kind. I was riding a horse around this trail and I had to pick things up off of the backs of other horses [which were all black by the way] because Lor had been stupid and done bad things.

In the end I was back in the old house with the child, who in the beginning was hostile but since I understood and saw what happend she made me out to be her sister and held my hand.

That's all I really remember. This blog was just a procrastination tactic of mine. :]

Pokemon are totally dead baby

Pi-KA-chu!

I should use this more often. It would help me sleep better. I think...
Maybe.

Last night was very dead baby. Well the first part wasn't, after school Bree dragged me to the school hockey game. I don't like hockey. Though there was some violence, and that was interesting at least. She got a bit wigged out because there were girls on the other bleachers next to us that had signs about the guy she was there to see. I know all of them, except one, and they're all nice people so I figured it was one of those jokes things with friends but actually one or two of them actually really like the guy. Apparently everybody knows this guy, and the first I've heard of him was when Bree was all "OMG I heart this guy!" and sent me pictures.

I feel kinda left out. Not over this Reid guy, I don't give a flying monkey poop about him. I mean that in the nicest way possible, I really do. What I'm trying to get at is that I feel left out with not liking somebody. It seems all the girls seem to have someone they like. Except for my Nikkibeans, though it's hard to tell with her because she has a larger world then what I am included in. If I had more time I would link arms with her and cling, but I think our relationship would be less fun that way. Still, I have faith [and I don't mean religious] in Nikki that she would tell me of any such happenings.

Anyways, back to yesterday being dead baby. During lunch Cam came to visit me and Becca at the table, as usual, and he asked me out. I thought it was a joke and laughed and I asked him if this was another of his bets.

Quick explanation: Cam and whoever he makes these bets with have bets where Cam asks a girl out and depending on their answer or sometimes even if the date occurs.

He said he was serious and I was still half laughing and I told him no, that he was my friend. I emphasized this point by gesturing to him and saying "friiiieeeend." I still didn't think that he was serious so I mentioned the bets, and he said they had nothing to do with it. He then said he wanted to see my reaction, because he and Heather got back together the night before. I was like "Gee, thanks." But he said he actually was going to ask me out last month but wasn't sure, and then Lor and him dated for like three weeks. Poor Cam, seduced by the big boobs a coniving woman. He's nice as a friend, but I have two reasons not to date him. One, he's my friend. Two, he has a horrible status for ending relationships.

The fact that he asked me out in person was what made it so dead baby. That's never happened before to me, it's always with the online stuff. Naveed, David, and even [ew] Terry all asked me out using the internet.

EEW BOTH TERRY AND ALYSHA WERE AT CHOIR THIS WEEK! And I was forced to HUG Alysha. I wanted to take a looooong shower after touching her, even though all I did is like lean forward and let my shoulder like scrape her and then backed away. The only reason I even succumbed to such things was because I didn't want to make a scene. Then she was all "Ohhh I'm gunna steal Amelia's jacket, it's so cool!" and I just looked at her, said bye to Santi and walked off. I avoided Terry very well though. I made eye contact once, but that was just because he was behind/beside Tori and Andre. I even walked right by him without so much as a glance. Jebus I'm such a bitch, but he has a record for stalking people and he has asked me out and stalked me for a good week. Never again.

Anyways, back to my dead baby night. I picked up Alexx and Becca and we went to East Side Mario's for dinner for our reservations at seven. We met up with Alesha, Turners friend. She's also dead baby, and she works at East Side. So we ordered and everything and shared the stories of the week and Turner says "I have to burp" and does this massive belch and right then our waiter comes up to the table with the salads and is like "Don't worry, I didn't hear anything." A bit later this other waiter comes over and tells Alexx that this guy at the bar wearing a winter hat [those cute knitted ones with the ear flaps] has a huge crush on her. So she was all kinda embaressed and said thanks for the info. She has a boyfriend by the way, so she wasn't interested at all. Later on the other waiter comes by again with a bunch of shots, and says they're from the guy with the hat. So we're all like "thanks!" and he goes away and everyone downed the shots except me because I wasnt sure if they were alcoholic or not, but they ended up being clean.

So then the hat guys friend drags the guy with the hat in his bar stool over to our table and he was like "Hi." So we were like "Hi, whats your name?" And we all introduced ourselves and we all forget the guys name... Anyways so he asks how old we are and Becca, having waited to say this for the whole time pointed to Turner and was like "She's my fourteen year old little sister!" and the guy was like "I should leave now..." but then we were laughing and said we were actually 17, except for Alesha whose 18 and he was like "Seriously, you're underage? Oh man I need to go..." and then Becca was like "Alesha is of age!" and we all laughed he was like oh dear and then we asked how old he was and he said "How old do you think I am?" and Turner guessed 22 and he said "I'm turning 30 in a few months." We didn't believe him because he looked like he was 19 so he was like "Check my liscence" and he told the truth. So then he did leave and we laughed because he ended up paying for alchoholic shots.

We went to see Twilight after with Turners parents. The movie was okay, it wasn't great. Anyone who didn't read the books would be majorly confused, and the camera angles, dialogue, and lighting were very suckish. Scenes that were in the trailers were not in the movie, and the good songs on the sound track were only in the credits. The only reason this movie is so popular is because so many people read the books. The only reason so many people read the books are because there were all us supernatural loving children and they picked up the book going "yes, vamps!" and then realized it was more of a teen romance thing and passed it along to those who like those things. People who dissed me for liking vampires and werewolves are now mega fans. Bitches.