There are words...

... that don't belong.

I've recently remembered this blog. There are things which I'd like to keep written down for memory sake as the days seem to blur together, so I'm going to make an effort to post more often.

The last sort of diary post was of my break down over my first year in university. Thankfully, life has gotten better! I've progressed in romance, and have even started writing again. Though I've realized I've started back into my old habits, and really need to push through them. I thought that having new elements in my life would help motivate me, but I suppose I depend on that fact too much and haven't really put in the effort. I will try this time to make my life more prosperous, so I don't end up like before.

There are a few things I need to write down, so I'll try to order them. Firstly, I should discuss the romance. At the end of my first year, I had feelings for one of my best friends who I call Chuckles. I'd had them for around a year by then, and over the summer things started to progress with that. I'd been told by Becca often that he and Kevin would often get into silly quarrels about their feelings over me, but I always tried not to let it get to my head. It wasn't definite, I didn't want to overstep my bounds. Then Tyler's 19th birthday party came. Chuckles didn't attend, for he was at another party he'd already rsvp'd to. He came up in conversation since he was missing, and we talked about how silly and hilarious he is. Then the guys started saying how Chuckles always talked about me as well, saying how much of a sweetheart I am and all these things. I was super happy about this, and couldn't stop smiling for the longest time.

[BTW, there was this guy Hutch at the party that was apparently hitting on me the whole time and I was super oblivious. It stopped after this though... Ha.]

Martin decided he was drunk, and blatantly said so, and that he should tell me straight up that Chuckles actually had wanted to date me for the longest time. The only thing that's held him back was my being straight edge, not the drinking or the drugs but the fact that I wouldn't have sex.

This hit me so hard.

I ended up thinking about that for a long time. My initial response was having my heart explode from happiness that he felt the same way, and I started debating ways I could give subtle hints for him to make a move. But then I started thinking about his reason that had prevented him so far. If it was so important for him to have such an intimate physical relationship, even if we did date wouldn't that just ruin everything? We'd end up torn by my uncertainty and chastity, and not only destroy whatever sort of romance could've been built but also our friendship. I'd consulted with Becca and a few guy friends in Timmies about this dilemma, and they agreed it was best to let it go.

Still, it's hard to just let go of something like that. I'd liked him for over a year, and he was/is also one of my best friends.

I decided to focus on my interest in Terry [who I will talk about in my next post!] and try to rid of my feelings for Chuckles. It took a lot of effort, and it seemed so vain because he still acted exactly the same and said such sweet things that it pierced my heart every time.

Then one day, we met up for lunch with Becca and Nikki at Pho Mi. Chuckles was the last to arrive. He walked in as usual, wearing a tie and a hat to cover his recently shaved hair. But there was a hickey on his neck.

How stupid could I be, getting my hopes up like that? Even though I'd told myself not to like him, I still held onto hope from what was said at that party. It didn't occur to me he was actually so hung up on the intimate physical relationship. I was so struck by it that I ended up glancing at his neck the whole meal, then decided it didn't exist. Later that night I was still caught up in that delusion that I even pointed it out asking what the heck he did, and if he wanted a band-aid as though it were a cut. Becca pestered him about who it was that gave him the hickey, and he made up such ridiculous things like "Spider bite, Martin did it, I ran into a door" and so on.

Thus ended my romantic attachment to Chuckles, who is to remain my best guy friend that tells ridiculous stories of the Mongolians, orphans, and mutilations. I hope he'll always be my friend.

The truth within the ruins

In skies of gold with arms full of lilies I shall walk this grassy plain, through the horizon and time itself, if only to glimpse what would occur if my hesitation was non-existent. This sky taunts me, so vast in the colour mixed from the crimson on my hands and the beauty of your soul. Life has killed the dream I dreamed with these storms of humanity I cannot weather. Both here and in another present I inhale, and they exhale. Still, I step forwards in hopes of reaching that moment. I pray I move forward as well. Or is my life just one more lie? Alas, we always get our share. Yet if I am to glimpse that moment, and hold your hand in mine, I would carry a thousand more of these white petals that embrace you across this grassy plain.

-- Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles

It's up to you

Is this more than my own hands can accomplish?

My smooth hands that should be worn with life,

the sand that I want to linger,

easily slips through my fingers.

Carried on by the sound of the wind.

Resonating. Empty.

My hand outstretched.

I wonder, what could connect my hand to yours?

The hands still move, it's impossible to return.

Happiness or sadness, tomorrow will come.

These hands are set, walking forward and counting each step.

Tick tick. Clap clap. Tick tick. Clap clap.

Resonating. Empty.

My hand outstretched.

I wonder, what could connect my hand to yours?

It's impossible to return.

Tick tick. Clap clap.

My hand outstretched.

Tick tick. Clap clap.

The singing wind that carries the sand.

Tick tick.

Happiness or sadness, tomorrow will come.

Clap clap.

I wonder, what could connect my hand to yours?

I wonder, will you be happy tomorrow?

The ice is getting thinner

... and now there's nothing left at all

I fucking hate my life right now. First, I spent a month cramped up in my tiny desk space in my room doing nothing but studying for exams. Then, even though I got my license my mum wouldn't let me drive myself. No matter what. It was bad enough having to go through a whole year of trying to rush out of class with her waiting in the car, but then she made me go through it for exams too. Then I spent a week in Mexico. I thought it was going to be really awesome and finally be able to relax.

No.

First my brother gets onto the plane drunk, which made him sick for 5 out of the seven days. I also had to share a room with him. He sleeps with music, so I had to wait until he fell asleep to turn off both the tv and his laptop. But that's not all, he's also very sensitive to heat when he sleeps apparently so I had to freeze with the fan on. Even when he decides he can't sleep on the uncomfortable beds and went in the middle of the night to sleep on the couch, he leaves the fan on. So I'm freezing every night on an uncomfortable bed. I thought a massage would help, and while the actual massage was nice, it left me sore still.

Then there were the sand mites. They were flippin' everywhere. On the tables in the lunch area, and even in the room. They invaded my laptop, and I didn't even have a vaccum to clean them out. I had to leave it on for an hour and watch as little bugs crawled out of my keyboard and then wipe them away with a damp paper towel. I'm terrified of bugs.

I also could eat next to nothing on the menu. It was all seafood or spicy. I ended up eating toast and chicken tacos the whole week. Also, I got my period that week and had to learn how to use the tampons that I hated to do anything remotely interesting.

The only good part was that I finally got to go parasailing. I thought it would last a good ten minutes, but it only lasted about 4.

I managed not to get any sunburn until the last day, which I thought was just minor. I had a little splotch on my face from where I must've wiped off the lotion, and on my shoulders a bit. NO. It turns out the splotch on my face is an infection, because as of yesterday [Sunday, I got back Saturday night] it started to bubble up a bit. I thought oh crap, allergic reaction. But would my mum let me get benadryl? No. I had to sit there and have this nasty thing fester on my face until today when it started to scab a bit so we went to the doctors. I got a cream for it, but I also have a Cobra Starship concert to go to tomorrow. Last time I saw them they recognized me from previous shows, and I was hoping to meet them again because it's the drummers birthday. But no, I have this thing on my face that makes it look like I have a really bad case of herpes that I'm not allowed to cover up at all. No band aids, no make up, nothing. It's near my mouth too, so part of the scabbing is on the corner so I can't even open my mouth very much. This limits what food I can eat. And it's not that it's only on my face either. Oh no, this disgusting patchy scabby thing also has 3 dots along my chest and collar bone, and a new one near my ear. It's not like I have long hair to cover this shit either.

Also, I just checked my marks for the year. I failed 3/4 courses. Like, I knew I was borderline for some of them because I couldn't manage to hand in an assignment or two due to stress from my Opa's death/dying. But really? 3? What was all that studying for? Where did it go? I thought I did okay on my exams. Like, I can understand the science. I can only vaguely describe the stuff they want really technical stuff for. The cct wasn't to great writing it either, but I really thought I did okay. Especially since most of it was multiple choice. But the narrative? What is that? I handed stuff in for that course. I know I missed a lot of classes during the second semester, but it wasn't like I was skipping. I was so god damned stressed about my Opa that I ended up making myself sick a few times. And all that studying, I was so nervous and stressed over these fucking exams that I literally started to eat my bottom lip, and I used to hold my ear when I studied but then I started to pick at the lobe until it bled and got all scabby.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I needed 4 credits to even get into second year. Like, I'm taking one course this summer, and even if I pass it that's 2.5 credits. Not that I even want to finish my program. I wanted to get into Sheridan for more screenplay writing, because I've been saying that's what I want to do for the longest time.

But I'm not even sure I want to do that anymore. I've barely been able to write anything this whole year because I've been to flipped out over school and family. I've only written about 3500 words since September. When I think about what I could actually do with learning screen plays, I realize I'd just be one of 10 for a single movie. That's not what I want. I wanted to make my own films, get the camera angles that I want for the script that I wrote. I want to be able to pick who acts as my characters. But it's impossible for me to do all of those things and still make a living.

The circles under my eyes that I thought were already getting bad have gotten three times worse through the course of the Mexico trip. The hair cut that wasn't flattering got fixed before I left, so at least that's one thing that looks okay. When I put my make up on, I realize that even though I'm the palest skin tone the make up gets it's still not pale enough for me. But my pale isn't even healthy looking. It's sickly, and I look like I belong in a hospital bed before I put it on my face.

What's the point in going on like this? The only thing that gave me confidence to even step out of the house and say "I can at least try this today" was that I knew I looked okay. Like, I know I have some mild acne problems with my chest and shoulderblades, but even that has it's fluctuations. I could cover it with clothes. Now I have this horrible thing on my face, and the circles under my eyes are so bad that I could play a corpse.

I want to sing. I can't sing anymore though. I can't stand it when I sing in the house, because even in the sound proof room my family can hear and then I get nervous and can't even warm up. How can I practice anything if I can't warm up? They get so damn nosy that they try to eaves drop, or ask me about every thing. When I try to walk downstairs, they always want to know where I'm going. What I'm doing. I try to go out to the corner store when it's dark for a snack, they get so protective that they want to drive me two blocks down the street and watch me go through the store. I hate it. Why can't they leave me alone? It's not as though Alex even uses the music room anymore, since he's renting a studio for his band. Why can't they leave me alone? Why can't I just sit in my room and sing when I want to? Why couldn't they even let me go to my fucking exams by myself? Why do I have to go to school to learn stuff that I don't even like?That I don't even know if I'm ever going to use it. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where I even want to go. I don't have a place where I feel it's okay for me to just do what I want. The closest thing is the tiny space in my room where my desk is, where I'm sitting now. I can sing here. I can be here. But if the door even opens a bit, or I hear someone else move throughout the house, I feel as though I shouldn't make noise. As though I shouldn't be here, to even risk disturbing them.

But then I get so frustrated when I finally have a chance to hang out with my friends and I don't have transportation that was promised to me. Can I call them friends? I can't tell them any of this. I could tell Becca and Nick about the problem with my face, but I could never speak anything about my grades. I don't want them to know that I'm such a failure, that I'm so weak and misguided.

What's wrong with me? I adamantly denied any possibility of a relationship with Kevin because I felt he was so inadequate with his schooling and general life goals. Not that I want to be with him either way, he's just a friend. But why did I do that? Why did I tell myself that he wasn't good enough? Who am I to judge a person that way?

Over all the only thing that I consider good to happen in the last month is getting the new Tsubasa manga. Isn't that pathetic? Taking refuge in anime and manga. I'm so worthless. Even when I speak to other people, they always think I say something else or I have to repeat myself so many times for them to hear clearly that they get fed up and don't listen. Like, I told my mum I'm starting to write something called "I know what you wish to lie" and then she started going on about how my old job in retail must've really affected me, thinking "lie" was "buy." That's a horrible example of this, but the only one that comes to mind. Probably because it was so insulting that she'd go on for so long about it, ignoring me trying to correct her. People get so frustrated when this happens, but they get so dejected when I stay quiet.

I really am a worthless person.

With a spring wind

breathin' in the breeze

Today marked the last day of lectures. All that's left is exams! Then a summer course on photography. I've decided that I'm going to change schools and try go to Sheridan in my third year, for a 3 year media program. There's a lot of confusion trying to sort out my school. I feel bad pushing another year of financing it on my parents, but I've decided to work a bunch during the summer and part time during the year to eventually save up enough to move out when I finish. I won't have student debt because I'm living at home, so I'll just have to try and buy less band merchandise.

Speaking of music, flippin' MIYAVI is coming to Toronto!! [Hence the lyric drop...] I bought Nikki her ticket, and bought mine within 10 minutes of them going on sale. I'm so excited for this! I've had dreams about buying merch before Miyavi's set already. Let's use this topic to segue into: Nikki is going to Japan in a couple days! I need to set up a skype account so she can skype me during sakura viewing, because she's getting there right when it starts!

In other news, I've started writing a bit again. I'm re-writing what used to be called "Nights violin" and is now titled "I know what you wish to lie." I'm changing it a bunch though, from setting to plot, even the characters. It's going super slow though, because I'm always either studying or being a nerd and watching anime.

Finally started watching FMA though! I watched a bunch of others because I wasn't that interested, but heard Ed's voice in japanese. It sounded super familiar, and turns out it's the same voice actor that does Nana Oosaki! That excited me a bit.

The poem I wrote last time was my feelings about the happenings about my Opa, who at the time was hospitalized. He passed away in February. However, I think the most traumatic part was the fact that it took place at the same funeral home that Tom had his viewing. Actually, Tom's death anniversary was yesterday. I've been having funeral nightmares lately, probably because of this. All I can do is belt out some tunes in my room and try to keep my mind occupied.

I'll Sing and Scream For You...

Could you call Snow White's sleep a curse? I wonder,

were there romantic thoughts of her Prince in her dreams?

Peaceful sleep that doesn't end, even in loved one's thunder.

This red string makes me sing and scream.

The sun comes up to shine on my face

but moon lit shadows keep my pace.

Heavy are my lungs, but my head light as I drift.

All I can do is mirror sincerity as my eyes lift.

They ask me to let go

before you've even gone.

So please, I want you to know

that we both were too shy to show, even if we knew it was wrong.

I need you to feel alright,

I want to be alright.

So I'll let you sleep, and sing as you turn snow white.

I'll pull the stars down from the heavens...

... to fill your empty skies.

Summer was both tame and wild. It had the amazing days that blurred together in a wondrous sleep, and the days that were so full of crazy it was hard to walk straight. Such as Warped Tour where I met Breathe Carolina again, some fun hangouts with friends, and this rush wedding thing where I was the photographer.

I've developed emotions that I've written about, but haven't felt for years. However, I can't determine them. It's confusing. I like this guy, and I've been out with him a few times but can't exactly label it as a date, or just friends hanging out. I've even gotten an honesty box message saying he likes me too, but then yesterday for a brief few minutes his msn name stated he still loved his ex, even though they've been apart for months and she's dating someone else. Then there's Kevin... He's such a sweetheart, and he's finally decided that he's going to pursue college and quit smoking and all these different things that are amazing. I know he likes me, how can I not after MacDonald always screaming at me to go out with him. Literally. But I still can't think of him that way. With the other boy (whom I'm not going to name because I'm afraid of hating myself later for putting it out there) when I'm next to him I'm screaming inside my head wanting him to hold my hand. Just that would make me ecstatic.  And then I start to think about what it would be like kissing him, and I feel awkward. It's not like where I see a really cute guy in a magazine, or passing by them on the street, seeing someone in a movie (like the teen from Gamer, oh goodness he's pretty!) or on TV and I think "OMGosh I would explode with hormones if he so much as even touched me." See? VERY confused about how I really feel. I don't get it. 

I saw a fortune teller (finally) with Nikki and Kenny to get our tarot read. She said stuff about these two possible relationships that were opening up to me, but told me that I should just go with the flow and focus on my schooling. Apparently I'm going to be very successful throughout the next 5 years, which is throughout my university career. I know they're only prying at my weak points here to give me hope, but goodness I really do hope it's true.

On a happy note, the new TAI song is AMAZING. It's very different then their typical sound, and brings out the diversity you can feel on their second album Santi. I love it. 

I am procrastinating sooooo much right now. I'm supposed to have read this giant book (The Ground Beneath Her Feet by Rushdie) and analyze it for tomorrow and I'm not even close to being done. Sadz.

xxx