She goes straight for the deep end

Doesn't hesitate to die for you...

I haven't posted anything in a few days. Life has been... I don't know. Not hectic or overwhelming, and not exactly time consuming. It feels rather hollow.

Halloween was fun. I slept over at Tori's with Nikkibeans and Lor. We haven't done that since before Dave and Tori started dating. It was very nostalgic. Still, I felt as though I was walking on water. Every conversation, every word was spoken with delicacy. There was nothing keeping me from sinking, yet I was afloat. There was a few parts during the night when the conversation could have quickly turned to Bree, and all I could do was scream in my mind against that happening. The only reason it didn't was because they knew it would upset me. At least that's what I think. If it were to have happened that night, I don't know if I would've been able to handle it. I would have just let everything out in an explosion. I probably would have cried again.

Not even Becca or Nikki knows I've cried about it. It was right before the party. I told them I was napping and then dragged to do the decorations because I was in a bad mood. I never gave a reason to my bad mood. Truth is, I think both Lor and Tori experimented with me to see if I was a threat or not in the situation. Tori took over the party. I tried to fight against it, but when she took away my arguments I just let her take it. Lor had me switch Wii remotes with her for no good reason. They both work, and the one she wants me to switch with is definitely hers. She says the strap looks "chewed" but it's just the design on it. I remember everyone commented it the night she brought it over in the first place. I haven't switched them yet, just for the fact that I have a very poor memory.

Am I horrible person for thinking such things about my best friends? Lor is the one who made such a horrible wound. I'm not even sure if Tori's involved, but for some reason I feel as though she's wrapped in the bloody gauze. I'm only letting them do such things to me because of my own facade. I don't want everything to fall apart. But now I'm wondering if that would be better then having everything feel so hollow. My mask is slipping. I'm actually tearing.
This can't continue...

Nick stayed until around 11:30 on Halloween. I don't understand why his parents gave him such an early cerfew on Halloween, especially since it was a Friday and he's a senior in highschool.

Highschool. I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I feel like College/Uni is so close, and that I have done nothing memorable. Nothing with meaning. No, that's not it... That's too simple. I know I have made an impression. Something else is happening. I feel like I'm going to go away very soon. I'm not sure whether it's just with living in another city when I graduate, or if it's something more permanent.
Like death.
Maybe I'll be reborn in some way... I highly doubt that though.