Chasing shadows as the evening takes me

I'm still searching but the photo's fading...

I've been listening to "Retrace" by Anberlin on a never ending loop. It drudges up old memories of one I don't like to name. The song is so beautiful, and I love visualizing Stephen Christian's romance that inspired the piece. My own memories taint the image.

When I think about them, they still seem so pure and I remember the warm flutter I felt when he made me laugh or held me close. But in the end they seem tarnished.

Is it horrible that I want to see his face again? It's been over a year. I think about the tree, that little green area behind the mall parking lot with the bench, the wooded path with the creek that leads to no where... Even his scent. [Creepy, I know.] I don't want anything to happen. I don't feel that way anymore. I don't know what I'd do. Perhaps I want to prove that I'm better off now. If that was so, then why do I want to see him? He made me cry, which is something I hardly ever do. I could list the times I've cried on my fingers.

This sucks. Not only have these stupid thoughts kept me from finishing my homework, they're keeping me from the excitement of meeting my hero tomorrow. Stephen Christian, you are my imperfect perfection.

xxx