We could ride all night

to the pace of the blinking light...

Last night was beautiful. It was the best concert I've ever been to, and I have been to many. Tonnes more than the average person my age has attended.

I wish that I could've stayed thirty minutes more for autographs.

I wish I could have seen Stephen Christian face to face, instead of being one in the crowd.

I wish that night never ended.

Sadly, I have responsibilities as a student to actually attend classes. Thus I left. Damn.

I have a lot of video clips, but not too many photo's. Video is easier. You don't end up missing everything to take a picture of a hair blur illuminated by stage lights. Anyways, I'm turning those clips onto my vocals portfolio. I'm quite enjoying the reminicing.

xxx

I replay your voice

it's like you're here...

I'm only online to finish sending my homework to myself for printing. That concert made me speechless, and I cried a little while jumping around. Anberlin is by far the best and unique band out there. They have great live shows, where you can feel Stephen Christians contentment in the crowd.

All I can say for now. Details tomorrow.

xxx

PS I'm so damn excited! How the flip am I supposed to sleep? I WAS IN THE SAME ROOM AS STEPHEN CHRISTIAN!

Chasing shadows as the evening takes me

I'm still searching but the photo's fading...

I've been listening to "Retrace" by Anberlin on a never ending loop. It drudges up old memories of one I don't like to name. The song is so beautiful, and I love visualizing Stephen Christian's romance that inspired the piece. My own memories taint the image.

When I think about them, they still seem so pure and I remember the warm flutter I felt when he made me laugh or held me close. But in the end they seem tarnished.

Is it horrible that I want to see his face again? It's been over a year. I think about the tree, that little green area behind the mall parking lot with the bench, the wooded path with the creek that leads to no where... Even his scent. [Creepy, I know.] I don't want anything to happen. I don't feel that way anymore. I don't know what I'd do. Perhaps I want to prove that I'm better off now. If that was so, then why do I want to see him? He made me cry, which is something I hardly ever do. I could list the times I've cried on my fingers.

This sucks. Not only have these stupid thoughts kept me from finishing my homework, they're keeping me from the excitement of meeting my hero tomorrow. Stephen Christian, you are my imperfect perfection.

xxx

No More Words

After deleting all of my precious video clips, my pictures would finally upload. When cleaning my room last night, I found that Hello Kitty stationary under my desk. It's flippin' AMAZING.

Fred and I will now say goodnight, as we are going to go watch the new episode of Clannad After Story.

xxx

We will try until the bitter end

Maybe I'm the one to blame here...

I went to a new restraunt called the Olive Press for dinner tonight with the Prolas Family. Once again, the brothers didn't show up. Jason because he now resides in Waterloo, Alex because he wanted to jam. Lauren and I doodled, but we hardly talked. When we did it was about things like school. Though that is partly the noisy restraunts fault.

I miss hanging out with Lauren and being totally phsyched for it, knowing that when we got together we would come up with some new world. I miss how innocent we used to be. I hate how we know both of us have totally different lifestyles. It's heartbreaking when we get together and realize that. I care so much about her, and I don't want us to completely fall apart. I'm sure she feels the same.

These thoughts/emotions are only dug up once in a while. We always enjoy eachothers company, but sometimes it just seems... Stale. It's offbeat when this occurs. Next time we chill together, I think I'll bring up something more indepth. Like time, or the importance of our existance. I ponder over those topics endlessly.

xxx

She's got that killers grin on

Or maybe I'm just to jaded now...

Attempting to upload the photo's for the sixth time. Hopefully they will load, because it turns all sketchy when there's video on it.
... It didn't work. Again.
Now I have to delete the video on it, which I need for my vocals portfolio.
I guess I'll just act it all out. Again.
Perhaps my parental will buy me a real video camera now. That would be grand.

Went to Myu's today. After talking with her, I think I know what I need to do about the beef. Right now, every time I see Lor I feel really awkward and cold towards her. I don't feel as though I know her. Not that I show my depression, I have a mask of steel! What really gets to me though, is that she feels really cold and it's her cold that makes me cold. It's like standing under a heated lamp, and knowing that if I touch the metal fence next to me my finger tips will burn from the freeze. Then I touch it anyways.

(OMG I spider just like decended in front of my face and onto my key board. Had to run downstairs and get the vaccum after squeeling while trapping the bugger under a cup. Creeps.)

Anyways, what I'm getting at is that I will try and pretend. I don't know if I can follow through right away with that decision, but I will try and pretend that nothing happend. It will be like before where I'll just tune out whenever the other person involved is mentioned. Start thinking about Stephen Christian and other such happy thoughts. I could never leave. I don't have anything to loose but time anyways.

xxx

Do you know how long it takes before we die?

Singing "Fear of flying" by A Rocket To The Moon. I promised Becca that I would say "Do you know how long it takes before we die?" to whoever is sitting next to me when I'm on the plane to New York during Christmas time. I shall video it.

Now, I must get out of my uniform and into better clothes that I must iron first. Then I shall tidy my room. It's getting bad in here (my pillow case has eyeliner smudges). THEN I will lug my guitar up from the music room and learn some stuff before I take pictures of myself like the vain child I am. I shall also start on my Vocals portfolio.

I do have some clips that I can use. They just suck.

I'll put some of the pictures on here after. Maybe.

xxx

I just can't get it

and I'm coming to these terms that my heart won't beat anymore.

I had three tests today.

Vocals, Writers Craft, and Religion.

I think my vocals was the worst I've done since my first year. Which really sucks, because I didn't feel nervous and two seconds earlier and after I sung everything perfectly. It was such a let down.

Writers Craft was moderate. I feel that I did my best and marked down the majority of the questions correct. All though it has happened nearly every time I have one of those tests that I feel awsome about it and then end up getting a poor mark.

Religion was terrible. I tried to answer the review questions last night, but none of the ones I looked at were in the notes [and I have all of them!]. I feel horrible. I was supposed to finish them and then send the answers to Becca through email, but I couldn't get any of them. I think I did okay on the test. Not great, not failed, but imbetween.

Much like my life.

Becca wasn't at school today, and missed both the Writers Craft and Religion tests as a result. I hope she's okay. I know she worked until 10:30 last night, which is why I was supposed to send her that email, and she wasn't totally upbeat yesterday.

I'll give her a ring to see if she's still breathing.

By the way, I'm at home until 1:20. Since I finished my religion test early, I got to leave early. See we usually have lunch in the middle of religion, but since there was a test we had it after religion. Thus, I am here.

xxx

Oh my god how ridiculous were we?

I'm procrastinating by typing this. I have two tests tomorrow and I haven't started studying yet. Between avoiding friend drama, university presentations, and dodging chunks of Spackle falling from the "Spackle queen's" spatula, I haven't had the chance.
My head hurts. I need supplies to satisfy the punctuation.

On a happy note, Supernatural is on tonight! I read the "info" thing. Apparently Sam is trying to keep Dean from dying. Again. He's already been dragged down to hell by vicious demon dogs, dragged up by an angel and now he's facing death again! Poor Dean.

I'm off to ... "Summarize some of the arguments for the existance of God."
...
Joyous thing for an atheist to do.

Bulls in Brooklyn

Some people have it, and other people don't.

I would like to now catch up anyone who might be reading this on the drama in my life. Also, it's good for me to have it somewhere accessible in case I end up forgetting something.

Something happened between Lor and Bree. I'm really not sure what anymore, it seems worlds away from now. Oh man, that is really going to annoy me all night now. I'm going to be thinking about it all night. Why did they get mad in the first place?

I remember something about Bree not being appreciated and Lor being rude or something. Bree vented to me and Becca like usual. We were feeling a little underpressure because the venting was happening more often because Bree is a paranoid person, as she will admit, and was afraid that Lor would say something behind her back to us. So then Lor tried not to vent because Becca and I were talking about it and trying to catch each other up at lunch and Lor walked in or something.
I don't know how much of that is real memory or just jammed together. Aha...
I'm so lame.

Anyways, Lor had just broken up with her boyfriend Taylor for some reason and then was all gloomy because Alysha [someone I really do not like who is also still Lor's friend for some unknown cause] told Lor that Taylor and her were talking online. Alysha and Taylor had made plans to uhm, get intamate, that Wedensday during when our concert choir practice is.
Yet another reason for me to dislike that utterly wrinkle filled saggy child.
Oh man I'm such a biznatch.
Now Lor was trying to pull it off as a "if he needs to screw her to get over me, I'm fine with it." She was obviously hurting. Well, maybe not obviously. But her hurting made me hurt.
I found out on that Wedensday that Lor was already dealing with someone else and had made out with some other guy within the first two months of her and Taylor's relationship.
What a silly darling.

ANYWAYS! Bree was telling Becca about how she couldn't wait to tell Taylor the dirt she had on Lor, but then Becca told her they had broken up a few days earlier. I really didn't like the fact that she was serious. That's just plain biznatchy.
Lor topped it though.
As I said, and Bree will admit, she is a paranoid person. She went out with her friend Steph and vented about how Lor was being really rude and giving her dirty looks and such.

I really don't know what happened, but this is what my impression is.

So Steph got all "no she didn't!" and posted on Lor's facebook to leave Bree alone. Lor politely and forcefully replied that she hadn't done anything wrong and her and Bree's problems weren't much of her business. As far as I know, it ended there.

Lor has been hanging out with a girl named Jaime lately.

Now, my history with Jaime is a whole other very long story. But I feel bad about saying the things I did at Lor's birthday during everyone's venting. Mainly for the way it came out. I do not hate the girl, I just don't really want to hang with her. We are friends in a very loose term. I don't have much trust in her. That doesn't mean I'll be all rude to her. I really like having idle chit chat, saying hello in the halls and asking how her day went and all that. That's fine. Sadly, she doesn't realize this. Yesterday she said she loved me.
Awkward.

Anyways, Lor has been hanging out with her lately. Jaime never liked Bree, and Bree doesn't like Jaime because of her history. Actually Jaime did like Bree, during the Waterfront festival when Hedley played.
They are exellent live. Jacob wore a super man costume.
Anyways, they don't like eachother. Jaime really doesn't like Bree now because of Lor venting. Lor thinks that Bree has or is harrassing her on facebook. I'm thinking she's just over reacting to what Steph said. Typed. Whatever. SO, Jaime has started to harrass Bree in the halls at school. You know, the whole dirty look, talk shit about you when you're right there, and then get up in your face with randomness then laugh and walk away. Last week Bree got her email account hacked, and the person talked to Becca. Started talking "smack."
Bree isn't one to take these sort of things likely. She went to the school, telling them about Jaime's bullying and such. The school told her the account hacking was a matter for the police, which it is because it is illegal to do that, and the school is supposed to go through with her about it. It's called cyber bullying.

Jaime got called down to the office this Monday in regards to her harassment towards Bree. The next day Lor sat with Jess in Writers Craft. (The usual seating is Becca and Lor in front, and me and Jess behind. We have a nice seating arrangement.) So I figured she just wanted to talk to Jess about something and sat next to Becca. Half way through the class we were talking about food and I started to sing the Banana song during the little break we had after and turned around to share my lovely tune with Lor. She just kinda smiled and went back to drawing and I asked her what she was drawing and she said she got bored and started doodling a person.
Then she asked why Jaime got sent down to the office yesterday.
Becca came in at that point and asked if that was why Lor was mad at her. Lor said yes. (It occured to me then that that was why she didn't sit next to Becca.) I explained that Bree has been harrassed by Jaime in the halls and stuff and that Jaime is her main suspect for the hacker because of the harrassment and the fact that Jaime has a history with that sort of thing. Lor started to get angry and saying that Jaime hadn't been bullying her. And we said, yeah she has been. (Verbal, not physical) We started to explain that it was really stupid thing for her to do because Bree was involving the police and Lor could get expelled.
She said she didn't care.

Lor then stated that it was her, not Jaime, who had hacked Bree's account. I didn't quite process the information. I told her she didn't have the ability to do that. She said she got someone else to do it for her. Becca started to tear up and was trying not to cry, because earlier she was worried that Lor was involved in it and didn't want her to get in trouble with the police. She asked Lor if she did have anything to do with it, and Lor straight up told her she didn't. Becca had her back to Lor, and so did I until three minutes later when the bell rang. Then Lor sauntered over and started to attack Becca who told her she didnt think she could be friends with someone who would go that low. Lor said "were you ever really my friend?"

Then I stepped in and sorta pushed Lor away from Becca from standing between them, Becca who was already in tears from earlier, and told her to "walk away, now." I repeated that a few times, and after three times I gave her a slight shove on the arm when I was replied with "Don't tell me what to do." I couldn't really think straight because I was still processing the whole "My always innocent best friend just hacked into my other best friends account just to start beef." So I just kept repeating "walk away, now." I think Jess kinda eased Lor out the door at that point.
Poor Jess, getting dragged into things. I'll thank/appologise to her tomorrow. If I see her, considering we don't have classes for the University presentations.

I then tried to sooth Becca a bit and held her hand as we went to our lockers to grab our books for religion. Lor has her locker next to mine, and shares with Becca. Becca went to talk with Bree, and Lor turned around and said something that I really don't remember. I remember it as more anger issues, and I said "No, not after what you just said to Santi." (Santi = Becca) We then witnessed Jaime appologising to Bree about the whole "in her face thing" and how she didn't mean it as a mockery, even though she was laughing. Bree accepted it sort of and then we went off down the hall. Becca said it was just because she's afraid of being suspended. Bree and I both agreed, but thought it was a step up of from ripping her apart verbally.

During lunch Becca recieved text messages from Lor appologising and asking if they could go to macs after school to sort things out. She admitted that she had blown up and said some stupid things. Becca told her that she needed time to cool off.

All throughout today I ended up avoiding talking to Lor. Leaving after second period didn't help that very much, but I had some major cramps. (Being female sucks) I wasn't really avoiding her though. It was just awkward to start a conversation, and she never did. So it ended up as me avoiding her I think.

Nikki called me today after choir (which I missed due to cramps) and said that she was the only one there for our part. In the fifty person choir Tori, Lor, Nikki and I have a part in Auld Lange Syne for ourselves. Tori was sick this morning too, but I think Lor just ditched due to too much of her own beef. Nikki asked what was up, because Lor also said she wasn't coming to our annual Halloween party due to "personal issues." I explained everything in this VERY long blog to her that she didn't already know.

By the way, Alysha and Taylor never got together that day. At least for that purpose. Alysha told Lor that she couldn't go through with it because Lor was her friend. If she really was her friend, she wouldn't have even thought about it. She wouldn't have even been in the conversation with her friends ex that would lead to that. Wrinkles.

My finger really itches. I don't know why, but it does.

Light the flame

My name is Amelia, and my full name is in alphabetical order.
I am nicknamed hoe legs.
No, you can't call me that.
Why?
Because you're lame.


I made this blog to vent and to tell about my life. (Yeah, I know it's boring. Deal with it.) I called it "Burning down neverland" for simple reasons. One, I wanted it to be something out of an Anberlin lyric. Two, my neverland is engulphed in flames right now. I am stuck in the middle of being too young or too old for everything. I'm going to be seventeen when I enter College/University next year. My parents never seem have time to listen and actually help. My best friends hate each other, and I am often dragged into the middle of it. Either for protection of another, or as the "choose sides."

How immature can people be?

I love these people, but sometimes I just want to stuff them into a microwave and leave it on high for twenty minutes. Then I feel guilty and end up being the "nice" child in all of it and then tell them what they need to hear the next day. Which, often enough, is too late.
Hate me, hate me, hate me, for every honest word that you postponed.