Feels like I'm trying way to hard

and like I haven't tried at all...

So much happened today. Mr. Pellegrini wasn't in class this morning, like he said, because he was at his unvles funeral. I feel so bad, I wanted to cheer him up when he told us his uncle was sick this week but I didn't really know what to do. He's one of my favourite teachers, and I won't see him until Tuesday because of the cosmo trip. Ms. Morretta subbed for him though, and she's another one of my favourite teachers so life was pretty good.

I went to Tori's after school like I said I would. I walked with Nikki since she still lives in that area right after school, and I waited for like ten minutes. I left a message saying almost exactly this [the wording was probs a bit different, including a lot of uhms lol] : Hey Tori, so I just stood out side your house for about ten minutes like I said I would. I put in the effort, and you just aren't being honest. Your loss." She replied on facebook, yeah still when she could have called my cell considering she was closer to the phone to check messages, saying she was out with family [when I saw her brother driving home by himself when I was walking back home] and said I left a nasty message. I was blunt, not nasty. And then she had the nerve to say she didn't remember not being honest! Like, excuse me? She lied and twisted every fact about the whole deal, not just my words but her words to make her seem more in the right. Even more of a blunder, she's been out of school all week. Where does she suddenly get off at going out for lunch? For reals, her lung infection is contagious. Great job infecting the world, my "normal, good friend."

Anyways, afterwards I went down to Becca's and we made her FOB video but we didn't finish it in time. So instead we're going to finish it and then post it up on youtube. We watched MOD, went to the Japanese restraunt next to her house, the park, and then watched some TV. I really needed a good hang out, it helped me from eating myself for being so forceful with Tori even though I know it was the best desicion. Now I'm just debating giving back the stuff she gave me.

On the way home we picked up the mail, and inside was my acceptance letter to UTM's Humanities program! First choice university! Soooo excited! And to top it off, I FINALLY got to use the line "Truth be told, I miss you. And truth be told, I'm lying." AHAHA! It was so great! I used in on Kevin. Ohhhhh how satisfying. Been waiting to use that line all week. Oh, happy days.

My surface is so tough, I don't think the blade will dig in

and that is I expect nothing less from you tonight...

Soooo Tori fb me and Becca asking about all the beef. I told her why I was mad at Brianna and stuff, and then said I still have stuff to resolve with her. She instantly got all defensive and in my face about it, about how there's nothing left to disscuss. We didn't even talk for two minutes about it. So I said no, I have questions and deserve answers. Lets meet up sometime and get it over with so we can move on, but she made even more beef about how she has a hard time doing things in person and has hid behind the protection the internet has given her. I just kept telling her about how I feel about the situation, told her the questions, and she gave me even more answers where she's just giving more withheld information with each post she made to the thread and wants me to just jump right in and say I believe every word she wrote and move on with life. No, that's not how real problems are worked out. I told her I couldn't do that, and needed to hear her appologise in person because anyone can just type an "I'm sorry." It means nothing. And she still gave me attitude! She thinks that just because she doesn't want to talk about it that it's over and done with. I told her I'd walk to her house after school tomorrow for the appology. But ohmygoodness, if she gives me the attitude she had in those posts I am going to verbal slap her and then bitchslap her with the back of my ring hand.

I can't count the nights

when I've hoped tomorrow won't come...

I started watching a new anime today about a shy girl who always carries around her sketch book with the underlying morale that not every moment can be documented, so it's best to relish every minute. Though the theme is cliche, I find it very true. Especially when I bring into the fact that I only have three months left of high school.

Strawberry banana smoothie popsicles are ftw! :]

xxx

Where's your picket fence, love?

and where's that shiney car? And did it ever get you far?

I haven't posted in forever and a half, so I thought I should to let some stuff off my mind.

Dave just posted on my facebook wall that he would like me to live with him and Tori in Tdot with whomever else if I decide to go to York. I like Dave, he's a good guy to be friends with. But, I don't even know if I can be friends with Tori right now. I feel horrible, because when I look back during my debate time I feel as if I've pretended to be her friend when I'm not even sure. I just, repsonded. I have so much to sort out with her, it's unbelievable. First I find out that she's been hiding that she had David over to her house three days after we broke up and kissed him for, oh almost three years. I thought I would just need to adjust with the fact that it happened in the past. I told her afterwards it was still bothering me, and when I look back at it she just shrugged it off. It just keeps surfacing everytime I worry about anything.

Why was he even there? Did she invite him, or did he just show up? If so, why? Why would she even let him into her house, after everything he did? After how horrible she knew I was feeling? Nicole made it clear to him that they were on my side the night he ended it. Tori said she was on my side, then and now. So then, why was he there? Why did that have to happen? Why can't I just forget about it? I don't know. I want to know. I think she knows...

Also, Kevin is soon to be blatantly professing his love to me. Not that he hasn't all ready, like he hasn't said it yet but it's obvious. Alex MacDonald keeps yelling at me to go out with him in the halls since I met him. I mean he wrote a song about me then sang it over the phone to me. I couldn't hear much of it, but it mentioned my eyes. I played it off as I couldn't hear because of my crappy phone speaker but... I don't know. I think I'm stuck unless I know the answers to those questions. I can't answer him properly. I... I want to open up. Maybe to Kevin, maybe to someone else. I don't know. I never cry. Why does all this make me want to cry?

Goodness, I wish the feeling that things are going to end would go away. I know things are going to end. I'm graduating, my friends backstab eachother then don't bother listening long enough to figure out what really happened. They just make assumptions and blame. They make hatefull decisions. I'm going to University, while the three best friends I can actually depend on being there for me and being just are either staying back a year or are still in highschool. Gawd, shut up tears and just stay in the sockets like you're supposed to.

Now that I'm back from Florida, I have to deal with this shit. Tori found letters Lor left in her room when they were still friends about her ex Taylor. They were all like venting letters, kinda like what I do on here. Her and Brianna wanted to give them to Taylor. Now I'm even doubting Dave, because someone told me he was okay with it and that he was actually going to drive there. Not only does that hurt Lor's feelings, but Taylor's too. I don't know Taylor at all, but I don't think he did anything wrong. Lor was the one that messed up that relationship, though I'm sure he had some part in it too, he doesn't deserve to have old scars smashed open with a rusty old nail. I don't hate Lor, and I don't dislike her. I tried to give her another chance at reestablishing the trust, and she blew it. I'm not going to pretend with her. I owe that much at least. If I say anything to her, I feel like I shouldn't be saying anything at all. I don't know if that influenced by others or just my own intuition now. Anyways, I digress. She doesn't deserve that either. When Tori and Brianna gave Becca the letters to look at, she did the right thing by giving them back to Lor.

This isn't fair. So many people I thought I could trust have just stepped on me. I thought I was done with this. I said I could just tell them to shut up when I was disscussing it with Lauren, but I don't know. I haven't done any of that so far. I should.

When I talk to Brianna about anything involving anyone she doesn't like, she just rampages on about how ew that person is. How horrible they are, how it's a wonder I can even stand to be in the same room as them, ect. Even Jaime was better at dealing with that shit. I was besties with Lauren Davies back in the day when I was friends with Jaime, and I would tell her stories and she would be able to see the point and laugh about it. Sure she would stop me at the beginning, but only to say that even though she doesn't like Lauren Davies, she respected that I was friends with her and would leave it at that. Like, seriously. Is that so damn hard?
Brianna also keeps trying to pit off the shit she has going on at home as an excuse for her behaviour. Guilting doesn't work. She just wants pity, which is something she will never admit. It's so goddamn frustrating. The things that come out of this girls mouth sometimes just make you want to throat punch her and make her watch the news so that she can understand what is right and wrong in the world.

I'm going to deal with this stuff. I'm full out going to deal with it. I'll get Becca, Tori, and Brianna in a room and we will disscuss everything. Sort shit out. Of course I'll tell Becca about it first though. The other two can just meet me there. I mean, Lor used to be their FRIEND. How could they even think about doing something like that? If anyone did anything like that to them, no one would ever hear the end of it. They would probably burn the school down in their rage. It feels like if they don't get their way, then nothing else matters. No, I know it's like that.

Goodness, now I'm all frustrated before sleep. I'm going to be thinking about this all night now.