Your simple tragedy is all I wish to hear

Sorrow lasts through this night.

I'm seventeen now! My birthday was last Monday, a week back from tomorrow. I was sick most of the week though, and then came back on a test day. Probably flunked. Not a good thing when looking at University applications. It seems like everything I've handed in in the past week or so has been shit. I've gotten the worst marks I've had all semester, and they were all on projects/papers that I worked incredibly hard on. When I handed them in I was positive I would get low to mid eighties. Then BANG shit mark. I seem to notice a pattern of whenever I do bad when I know it should be better I get sick. It's even like a genuine illness, it just tends to happen when things are hard to understand.

I have a new video camera from my birthday, and I haven't used it yet. What is wrong with me? The thing is amazing. I think I've been sleeping too much. But then again, whenever I try to do something more all I can think of is how tired I feel. Maybe if something happens in my life I won't feel so tired anymore. Like I'm tired with life or something. Weird. I like life. The Orphaned Anythings has given me more of an appreciation for it. Yet I still feel tired. Of everything. Bitch.

Lor didn't show up to my birthday party. She told me she would come right after work, and then told Myu the night before she wouldn't show up. To make it worse, during the party she was texting Tori making up an excuse as to why she wasn't there and wouldn't be. Both Tori and Bree took the initiative to leave their beef at the door and came as soon as they could. They really made an effort. Becca was prepared to do the same. I don't see why Lor couldn't do the same thing. When I wondered aloud why Lor wasn't there and I learned about those things, it really hurt. By the time everyone was leaving and I realized she really wouldn't show up for even a minute to say Happy Birthday I felt like crying. It takes a lot to make me cry, so I was able to stabilize pretty quickly though.

I give up. I made an effort to really be friends again. She blew it for her own selfish reasons. I've never given her a reason to not trust me, and she just lies about everything to get her way. I know Bree has her moments of "wtf?" but she always talks about it and it usually gets corrected. Lor does it behind everyone back. I'm done with it. I don't talk to her much any more, but I think I'm going to revisit my elementary school days and just ignore her existence.

xxx

I know everything that you want to lie

But I want to remember, I need to remember...

This afternoon everything looked like it was going to die a slow horrible death, but the day ended up to be awesome. I slept in late, did laundry and made muffins. When I went through the kitchen to the laundry room to get my shirt Alex borrowed ten bucks to go bowling. I told him I needed it back before the family thing because I have a concert and needed the money, but he left anyways. He killed the transmission in my moms car so that it needed to be towed. We had to go pick him up, and because the doors opened at 4:30 we didn't get to go to the family get together. We rocked out to Anberlin on the way there and back.

Becca and I missed Carolina Liar and Hey Monday's set because of the tow truck incident. We got there as We The Kings were setting up. We were close to the front, which was good and bad. On Sunday I was right up front next to the speakers, but this time we were more centered. I almost touched Bill's hand, but then some guy jumped on me and pushed me back a foot.

William Beckett is a very talented dancer. He's the most energetic and involved person on stage that I have ever seen, and I hope that one day I can take after him. He leaps in vertical form often. Ahahaha! Also, his pitching is improving when he's onstage. The first time I saw him [a year ago] it was questionable, and during Warped Tour this summer he had improved immensely but was still off in some places. Tonight he was only off a few times, and when he wasn't singing what was recorded it was a harmony he had created.

I am now a member of Santi's Little Helper! I didn't realize it when I bought the shirt, but it turned me into one. My membership card should come in the mail soon. We went out to the tour bus after I bought the shirt and a poster, and we met some new friends. Victoria Baily and her friend whose name I cant remember or look up yet because my camera died. Anyways, we got our tickets signed by Travis [again!] and by Chizzy, as well as my new poster! My poster was signed by Chizzy! I'm so excited about it. I can't wait to hang it up, but that will have to wait until tomorrow. A bunch of my posters fell down so I have to rearrange them all.

When I got home I found out that I had a myspace message from my favourite unlabeled myspace band. Goodnight LA said happy birthday and gave me a free download off their pure volume, and it ended up being my favourite song! I messaged them back asking if I could get the sheet music for the song because I'd love to cover it for the Arts Cafe.

Also I found out I have relatives in Vancouver Island and Alberta. Some guy named Kenneth added me on facebook and he has the same last name as me, so we started talking and stuff and we are definately related. Im going to mention it tomorrow when I email the family as a thanks for the birthday presents. I now have $115, a new roots bag, and a note book made entirely from recycled paper. Amazing!

Best birthday present ever was the ticket to the concert. Definately memorable!

xxx

Don't drop your arms

With quiet words I'll lead you...

Last night I went to the Dir en grey concert, and it was fantabulous. I bought a new dress for the occasion, and it is quite fantastical. I touched Kaoru's knee and got his water bottle that he dumped down my shirt and Liz's, who received the cap to the bottle. There was this hardcore fan behind me, and when Kaoru stepped onto the speaker he totally obliterated me. I was hanging onto the corner with my finger tips, squished against a blasting seven foot speaker with no where to step because some lazy people left there stuff on the ground instead of in coat check. I got it all on video! MY CAMERA DIED AS SOON AS THEY CAME OUT OF THE TOUR BUS! And it was fully charged when I left the house D:

I had the strangest dream last night. I've been thinking about it all day, and I haven't told anyone yet because it creeped me out.
I was at the school, and I went through the day in a bit of a rush. The halls were lit with natural light, not the normal fluorescent lights. I passed by many people and I received many flowers and such because I was to have emergency appendicitis surgery after chamber choir that day from one of the teachers. This teacher was apparently god to everyone, including myself.

So I was on the third floor of the school, where most of my classes are, and went to the washroom with Nikki. It wasn't the regular school washroom, but one that appears in my dreams often. The doors to the stalls were odd though, even to my dream self. They opened in the middle, then sort of latched together. Anyways, I washed my hands and fixed myself up.

I wasn't in my uniform oddly enough, but it kept changing between my skinny jeans and a skirt with fancy leggings. My shirt was grey, but I don't own one like it. I wish I did.

Anyways, I walked into the classroom next to my locker carrying a wicker basket of flowers with the fake grass stuff. It was a creamy grey with pale purple flowers. So I walk in and place it on the desks, and the teacher turns around from his desk. It was Stephen Christian, but not at the same time. He looked a lot like Stephen Christian, but acted totally different than who I have witnessed and listened to. His features seemed to stand out more, such as his clear deep blue eyes. And his smile...

I can't get that tilted smile out of my head.

It was the most chilling thing I have ever seen/dreamed in my life. Not in a good way either. It tilted to one side of the face, like a smirk. Teeth glinted with a pearly luster. He had his hair tied back loosely, and was wearing a tight black suit. That's another difference, his build was much smaller than Stephen's. Anyways I was like unsure the whole time, and he tried to comfort me by talking about choir. So I kept talking, and he had me on the desks to start the surgery and had already given me the stuff that knocks you out before my common sense caught up to me. He already had my shirt lifted, revealing my stomach and bordering the under wire in my bra. I flailed my arm, and was struggling really hard to keep consciousness.

Yes, I kept blacking out in a dream. This probably made it more creepy.

He gave me that smile and chuckled. I told him I couldn't go through with the surgery there, it was beyond unsanitary. I had gotten off the desks at this point on the opposite side of him, and had to grab onto the desks to keep from falling over because of the immense pain in my side. He told me that was the appendicitis and that it was getting worse. If it wasn't treated right away, "well... Let's just say it won't be a pleasent experience." I was shaking and crawled towards all the flowers and such that were in the corner of the room. I slumped down and kept gasping, blinking really hard to keep awake. I had Fred, my panda, with me as well as a few other things from my past that make me feel safe. He laughed and kept saying that those things wouldn't protect me from the world. Then he grabbed my hand and pulled me up and forwards, but I was limp so he caught me. He told me he was going to do what he planned whether I wanted it or not, and then I shoved him really hard and stumbled out of the room and into the hall. I ran with Fred in my hand down the hall with the windows to the atrium. He was running behind me and shouting my name, and then I looked back and Fred wasn't with me anymore. He was smiling and I was breathing really hard and then I just fell forward to have him catch me again, and everything went black.

I woke up this morning with him saying "I'm just getting started" and something about how my safety items are useless in reality. The whole time during that dream I felt really small and delicate. I'm often told I'm tiny and look fragile, but I always feel like I can handle nearly everything.

I was so depressed when I woke up this morning because of that. How could my mind have twisted Stephen Christian, my idol, so much?

I hope you will be happy tomorrow

Unchanging dreams, to an unchanging past...

I haven't blogged in a few days. I've thought about it, but never took the effort to do so. I haven't even been on my computer much, save for school work.

I finished my poetry assignment, and I'm a little sad that the unit is over. I love poetry, I like fitting words into cryptic puzzles that can only make sense to myself unless further explained. I wasn't short for inspiration, I wrote about the half moon which created it's own story and also about my Grandfather. His paperweight, anyways. It's mine now. I love the thing, it's sitting in front of me at the moment. It always is. I place it over my "gaurdian angel" medallion that my Mom gave me on the window sill above my bed at night before I sleep. I makes me feel safe. I also have Fred, the panda bear Nikkibeans and Tori bought for me in Washington. serving as a barrier between me and the wall is a pillow Lauren made for my birthday. It's pink with fish and says "sushi" all around it with three black bows. I'm such a mush ball.

I also recieved my mid-term today. I have a 78 average. I thought it would be higher, but my last few tests have been in the ugh. Actually I should be doing stuff for my religion project right now, because technically I only have tonight, tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday night to work on it. Ew.

I hope there's a new Clannad After Story episode up, though that probably won't happen until Saturday. I feel like this week never ends.

xxx

She goes straight for the deep end

Doesn't hesitate to die for you...

I haven't posted anything in a few days. Life has been... I don't know. Not hectic or overwhelming, and not exactly time consuming. It feels rather hollow.

Halloween was fun. I slept over at Tori's with Nikkibeans and Lor. We haven't done that since before Dave and Tori started dating. It was very nostalgic. Still, I felt as though I was walking on water. Every conversation, every word was spoken with delicacy. There was nothing keeping me from sinking, yet I was afloat. There was a few parts during the night when the conversation could have quickly turned to Bree, and all I could do was scream in my mind against that happening. The only reason it didn't was because they knew it would upset me. At least that's what I think. If it were to have happened that night, I don't know if I would've been able to handle it. I would have just let everything out in an explosion. I probably would have cried again.

Not even Becca or Nikki knows I've cried about it. It was right before the party. I told them I was napping and then dragged to do the decorations because I was in a bad mood. I never gave a reason to my bad mood. Truth is, I think both Lor and Tori experimented with me to see if I was a threat or not in the situation. Tori took over the party. I tried to fight against it, but when she took away my arguments I just let her take it. Lor had me switch Wii remotes with her for no good reason. They both work, and the one she wants me to switch with is definitely hers. She says the strap looks "chewed" but it's just the design on it. I remember everyone commented it the night she brought it over in the first place. I haven't switched them yet, just for the fact that I have a very poor memory.

Am I horrible person for thinking such things about my best friends? Lor is the one who made such a horrible wound. I'm not even sure if Tori's involved, but for some reason I feel as though she's wrapped in the bloody gauze. I'm only letting them do such things to me because of my own facade. I don't want everything to fall apart. But now I'm wondering if that would be better then having everything feel so hollow. My mask is slipping. I'm actually tearing.
This can't continue...

Nick stayed until around 11:30 on Halloween. I don't understand why his parents gave him such an early cerfew on Halloween, especially since it was a Friday and he's a senior in highschool.

Highschool. I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I feel like College/Uni is so close, and that I have done nothing memorable. Nothing with meaning. No, that's not it... That's too simple. I know I have made an impression. Something else is happening. I feel like I'm going to go away very soon. I'm not sure whether it's just with living in another city when I graduate, or if it's something more permanent.
Like death.
Maybe I'll be reborn in some way... I highly doubt that though.