... still sleepless over this
Soooo me and my boyfriend will have been dating for 3 months by the end of the month. We're both second years at the same university. We don't go out together very often, and when we do it's always something I've suggested and I'm the only one inviting him out. We always end up in his room watching something on his laptop, listening to music, napping, and being intimate. I enjoy this, but I feel like I know nothing about him. I know about his insecurities, fears, his family issues, and his music tastes. I usually just get to ask about his day and he tells me about his projects. When I tell him about how something random reminds me of something and relay a story, I follow up with a question about what sort of random things always remind him of a random something. He always answers dismissively, saying he can't think of anything or there isn't anything in particular.
But then... We had a good conversation on Thursday about fruits, and he makes me dinner sometimes and is a total sweetheart about it, even when I feel like something really random. One day I had a major cake craving, and we went out to buy all the ingredients and he made me, from scratch, his chocolate chip cake with whipped cream. He notices things like when I change my usual eyeshadow colour, really listens when I ramble on about stuff, and worries about if I'm okay to drive home and how my health is. He always asks for me to text him when I make it home, and often texts me at random times saying he misses me. I really do love this sweetheart, but I feel like I'm struggling to connect when we don't have in depth conversations.
Now, I'm what one would call a hardcore good girl. Straight edge, a virgin, and abstinent for non religious reasons.
While I've explained all this with Terry, he's been moving my hand down to his nether regions when our kisses get more intimate, and even had lengthy discussions about how he believes there is no sex without love and no love without sex. For the last two - three weeks he's been constantly bringing this up. He told me he feels that he's only pleasuring me, so I've been pulling away slightly until I feel ready to pleasure him back, but even when we lay down next to each other with little mouth contact he still says he's too excited and dives into his rambling. He tells me he really respects my views, but doesn't understand why I don't feel comfortable with simply using my hand yet. While he says he hates putting pressure on me, he constantly tells be how much it stresses him out that I don't pleasure him and that I don't seem to care about such a serious issue which hurts him.
Last night we had our first fight about it. He started out with the usual discussion of how it's stressing him out a lot, and what hurts the most is that I don't even try.
[I did try once though, after the first couple tried of him guiding my hand I allowed him to do so and over his pants tried to stroke at it, but then he frustratingly told me to just grab it which scared me out of it. I decided to take it in steps and get used to touching his skin first and have been holding him with my hands inside his shirt.]
Usually when he starts this conversation, I end up being able to reply matter-of-fact that I do care and realize the importance, and that I'm sorry. But I end up loosing my words and can only make disapproving noises by the end. Throughout the conversation, before he started getting rude about it, I really tried to mentally talk myself into placing my hand on his junk. I made it to the top of his belt line and hesitated there for a while before he pulled my hand away saying that I'd never do it.
I find this topic extremely embarrassing and awkward. This was the first time he talked over me, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to get my voice out. Even when he told me he didn't feel like I cared about it despite how much it was clearly distressing him, when he called me immature and selfish, and then he hated himself for hurting me and making me feel awkward. Then after a lengthy period of him talking to me about how hard it is to hold it in and how it really hurt him, I still couldn't say anything. Then he sighed heavily in a frustrated tone and said "and after all that you still don't try anything!"
Eventually my friend called and interrupted our long silence next to each other, as we were supposed to meet up, and then he told me I should just go.
The whole time I'd been grinding my lip with my teeth, and biting at my thumbs. Distressing over the fact that I was hurting him with my ethical boundaries that he doesn't understand, my fear of diving into something so intimate and embarrassing involving his privates, I started to get angry that he was just telling me to go after calling me selfish, childish [as he'd mentioned a couple times that "it's not like this is elementary school"], and that I don't really care for him [despite the amount of time I spent choosing his birthday present, including making him a necklace, giving him little gifts like glow in the dark guitar picks and candy, constantly hanging out with him despite how late it gets, even introducing him to my whole family] and then just telling me to leave. So I got up and put my jacket and stuff on in a bit of a huff. He'd sluggishly gotten up out of the bed, and moved as though he was going to walk me back to my car but I tossed the CD I was lending him on the bed and opened his bedroom door to rush out.
But then he grabbed me from behind and held me there with both his arms and stayed like that for a moment before asking why I was leaving like that, that he just said to go meet up with my friend because it was normal not to want to keep them waiting. He said the way I was leaving was just like the rest, leaving with misinterpreted thoughts on what he said and leaving him without looking back. I dropped my bag at that point and turned to face him, and I said if I was leaving him I wouldn't have tossed the CD on the bed. That I was just leaving for then, because I didn't have any intentions of leaving him. Then... Then something I never thought would happen did. He cried. He legit cried over the image of me leaving him, and said he just felt so insecure about it. At that point all I could do was apologize and hold onto him, while telling him that I loved him. He told me that if I didn't want to be that intimate, all I needed to say was wait. So I replied "Then, wait." and he agreed. It took a few minutes for him to calm down, where all I could do was hold onto him and apologize, kissing his cheek and saying I loved him.
That was on Friday night, and now it's 2am on Sunday. I don't know how to act when I see him next. Nikki says I probably couldn't comply with his needs because I don't feel connected to him yet, as we don't do things like go on dates. Which frustrates her, since she's in a long distance relationship and can't do things like dates. I looked up some fun idea's for dates, and tips on some conversations involving questioning games that I think I'm going to try. Hopefully the more I do this with him, the more I'll feel connected and reassure him at the same time.
I have a nail appointment at 11am, as I'm meeting Tim Burton on Monday and my 19th birthday is Wednesday. I need sleep.
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