Exhale and inhale...
I feel as though every time I type out a blog, a life time of events have happened since the last. In my most recent post, I talked about Tori and my dispute that day. It was a Friday when I posted that, and the following Tuesday morning my friend Thomas died.
I don't think I'll ever forget that morning. I walked in late as usual, and the lights are off. Nothing out of the ordinary there, but everyone looked like the shadow in the room was swallowing their hearts and blocking their sight of reality. I sat down, and Mr. Pellegrini was near the middle of his speech. At first I thought my friend Tucci had died because sir hadn't said his name and Tucci wasn't in his seat. Instead, he said Tom's name. He sat in front of me in that class, and it was the first class I'd ever had with him. We joked around a lot, him singing Cher, talking about pokemon and the joys of when we were children. I went to the viewing, the funeral, and the service afterwards.
I've never believed in God, and I don't think I ever will. I always knew that we just have this life, and then we end up being a memory inside someones shoe box full of photo's. But Thomas's death made this concept more of a reality for me. Everyone remembers Tom for being a person who had accomplished more than three lifetimes in 17 years of life, and the best friend anyone could ever have. It's caused me to really think about life, and something I have been contemplating intensely for the past few months. Time. It's man made, and we all say it is endless. Yet there are certain days when things are supposed to end. 2012, the world will supposedly end because the Mayan calender ran out. It was made by people, and even though they were spread out all over the world came up with the same concept. But this is not all for certain, right? What if the all came up with their own calender that was all very similar, but had minor differences? Then over a few decades, their cultures happen to intertwine. Would they not just adapt to each other and create the calender, and just keep it that they all came up with something nearly identical? There could be centuries of difference in their calenders, but it would all follow on the same pattern. What of that possibility? I'm sure that there are many, and that no one could ever know the truth of the past.
The truth of the past. That's what I wanted from Tori, remember? Her and Lor made up because of Tom's death, and her and Nikki are on much better terms now as well. I have a gut feeling that Tori expected me to instantly become friends with her because our friend passed. Yet, the two situations have nothing to do with each other. I respect and am on a level happy that my friends have extended their friendship with Tori, because it makes them happier. But on another level, I find it rather pathetic. Do they simply forgive and forget what she has done to each of them? Tori has trampled Lor many times to get what she wants, despite Lors feelings in the situation. She didn't listen. Tori admits her mistakes, says she feels horrible, and then repeats the whole thing. How can I trust her, if she won't even tell me the truth of the past?
This is the difference between time and our friendship. People can not simply ask those who created time, for they have long since had their life expire. I asked Tori, because she still lives. She wanted me to be honest with myself to her. I was, and she just turns around and gives me a flaming attitude filled with excuses and ends with the result that it was in the past and shouldn't matter. But it does matter because if she can't be honest about the past, how can I expect her to be honest about the present, or in the future? I don't see her benevolence with that. I find her now to be rather bombastic and narcissistic.
I have the prediciment with Kevin, too. Everyone has told me that he loves me, head over heels, and that he even got depressed when I failed to reply to a text message. I think his song "Sounds of Bliss" is about me as well, for it was written during the time I've known him and talks about a fair maiden and the sky with shades of blue and brown. My eye colours. It's rather vexing, for I don't see me being able to be in a relationship anytime in the near future. I'm too confused with the workings of life. I've told him many times that he is my friend. I don't wish to hurt him, but I don't think it's avoidable at this point. I just hope he doesn't openly confess and expect and answer, for it really will just break his heart. I know he's gone through a lot in the past while, and I don't want to add to that.
Everything doesn't seem too real at the moment, despite the brick wall of reality from Thomas's death. I wonder how it feels to die, and I wonder how I will be remembered by others. I wonder how long they will remember me when I die, or if they'll remember enough to care I'm gone. Am I naive to simply put a pass on the doom of 2012? With all these things running through my mind on top of the pressure of my education, I have resorted to finding peace in the simplest of matters. Such as blinking. It feels refreshing, just as the smell of spring is that flutters through my gable window. All I can do is breathe deep, and try to keep my thoughts afloat the cool river in my mind.
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