I'll Sing and Scream For You...

Could you call Snow White's sleep a curse? I wonder,

were there romantic thoughts of her Prince in her dreams?

Peaceful sleep that doesn't end, even in loved one's thunder.

This red string makes me sing and scream.

The sun comes up to shine on my face

but moon lit shadows keep my pace.

Heavy are my lungs, but my head light as I drift.

All I can do is mirror sincerity as my eyes lift.

They ask me to let go

before you've even gone.

So please, I want you to know

that we both were too shy to show, even if we knew it was wrong.

I need you to feel alright,

I want to be alright.

So I'll let you sleep, and sing as you turn snow white.

I'll pull the stars down from the heavens...

... to fill your empty skies.

Summer was both tame and wild. It had the amazing days that blurred together in a wondrous sleep, and the days that were so full of crazy it was hard to walk straight. Such as Warped Tour where I met Breathe Carolina again, some fun hangouts with friends, and this rush wedding thing where I was the photographer.

I've developed emotions that I've written about, but haven't felt for years. However, I can't determine them. It's confusing. I like this guy, and I've been out with him a few times but can't exactly label it as a date, or just friends hanging out. I've even gotten an honesty box message saying he likes me too, but then yesterday for a brief few minutes his msn name stated he still loved his ex, even though they've been apart for months and she's dating someone else. Then there's Kevin... He's such a sweetheart, and he's finally decided that he's going to pursue college and quit smoking and all these different things that are amazing. I know he likes me, how can I not after MacDonald always screaming at me to go out with him. Literally. But I still can't think of him that way. With the other boy (whom I'm not going to name because I'm afraid of hating myself later for putting it out there) when I'm next to him I'm screaming inside my head wanting him to hold my hand. Just that would make me ecstatic.  And then I start to think about what it would be like kissing him, and I feel awkward. It's not like where I see a really cute guy in a magazine, or passing by them on the street, seeing someone in a movie (like the teen from Gamer, oh goodness he's pretty!) or on TV and I think "OMGosh I would explode with hormones if he so much as even touched me." See? VERY confused about how I really feel. I don't get it. 

I saw a fortune teller (finally) with Nikki and Kenny to get our tarot read. She said stuff about these two possible relationships that were opening up to me, but told me that I should just go with the flow and focus on my schooling. Apparently I'm going to be very successful throughout the next 5 years, which is throughout my university career. I know they're only prying at my weak points here to give me hope, but goodness I really do hope it's true.

On a happy note, the new TAI song is AMAZING. It's very different then their typical sound, and brings out the diversity you can feel on their second album Santi. I love it. 

I am procrastinating sooooo much right now. I'm supposed to have read this giant book (The Ground Beneath Her Feet by Rushdie) and analyze it for tomorrow and I'm not even close to being done. Sadz.

xxx

And I'll be the question...

if you'll be the answer...

It's summer again. I've graduated high school having denied every party offer by a classmate, without doing any form of drug and have yet to tasted alchohol. My friend CJ asked me at prom when he would be able to share a drink with me, and I told him the only time I'm going to drink is on my nineteenth birthday. He made a bit of a fuss, and I feel I've somehow lost his respect because of that. I feel the same way with my brother. I had a party for both prom and grad, which were both insanely fun.

But my brother dropped in during both, and during prom party hung out and had a few drinks with my only two friends that actually had a drink, considering Alyssa isn't a friend. She just crashed the party. None of my other friends wanted to drink 'cause they had work in the morning or just weren't up to it, and he kept pestering them. He even made a big fuss about how I wasn't there at the moment and that there wasn't anything to hold them back and how we were graduates and that it's practically manditory to drink. It's happened a few other times, where I go downstairs for a snack or to watch TV and he has friends over and they're drinking and he just looks at me. It's like I'm not worthy of their pressence if I don't drink. I didn't mind when he was a senior and he went to drink sometimes. He had a lot going for him then, and I talked about his accomplishments with my friends every chance I had. He was ambitious, had leadership skills, and had an air of confidence about him that now seems more arrogant. His band tanked, the new band is on thin ice, he dropped out of Sherridan for a year and failed first year due to partying, is working a job at "bounce and puke" for less than part time hours, and is more rude than ever.

Here I am, having gotten through my senior year with the best grades I've ever had with full and heavily weighted classes for both semesters, an important member of the choirs, made wonderful friends and finally had contact severed in the nicest way with those whom I did not have the qualifications to deal with their monstrous emotions, accepted into my top two University choices, and was even nominated for most original style. I even did well on all my exams, after taking them while feeling like crap from the flu.

And he wouldn't even come out to dinner with me after my grad ceremony.

Instead he went across the street to hang out with friends, then went to go jam. I was furious after this. All I ever did was stick up for him when my parents complained about his friends and the way he acts, I made him and his friends food, cleaned up after them, and he wouldn't even come to dinner with me. But then... a couple days after the ceremony, I found a card meant for me on my moms desk from him. It was a simple snoopy one picked up from Shoppers, but right after I was perfectly happy again.

Why? Why is this? I don't understand why I could just let it go like that. I tried so damn hard, and all he had to do was buy a two dollar card that Rob probably picked out and sign it. And he still looks down on me. He's up at Wasaga beach right now, playing a few shows.

My friends are up there now too actually. Tucci, Nick, Tyler, Jordan, and few more I'm sure. I've started to hang out with them recently, and I've been talking to Tucci a lot more. I've always had two courses with him every semester for around 3 years of high school, but I've only really gotten to know him in the past year. We did our culminating together with Becca, I made the settings, characters, and plot while he animated everything and Becca took all the pictures. It's called Roybot, and it's even on his youtube channel. It's like, "Twilightcouple" I think. I've made plans with the guys to go ghost hunting when they get back.

Ahhh, I wish I'd do more with my life. I've spent the last few days doing absolutely nothing. To keep my parents off my back [my dad is insisting I have a certain amount of exersize every day] I say I've been up late writing. Which is partially true. I stay up late online, reading in bed, and then jot down some story ideas before sleeping until 2:30 in the afternoon the next day. The biggest worry I've had since the 2nd [when I had to register for university courses] is wondering what I'm going to wear to Warped tour. Which I still haven't decided on. Maybe I should buy something new?

Perhaps I should make a list of things to do this summer. At least be a little more productive, and maybe it'll help motivate me to write that story idea that's been bumming around my head and notebook for the past two weeks.

xxx

Breathe in, breathe out...

Exhale and inhale...

I feel as though every time I type out a blog, a life time of events have happened since the last. In my most recent post, I talked about Tori and my dispute that day. It was a Friday when I posted that, and the following Tuesday morning my friend Thomas died.

I don't think I'll ever forget that morning. I walked in late as usual, and the lights are off. Nothing out of the ordinary there, but everyone looked like the shadow in the room was swallowing their hearts and blocking their sight of reality. I sat down, and Mr. Pellegrini was near the middle of his speech. At first I thought my friend Tucci had died because sir hadn't said his name and Tucci wasn't in his seat. Instead, he said Tom's name. He sat in front of me in that class, and it was the first class I'd ever had with him. We joked around a lot, him singing Cher, talking about pokemon and the joys of when we were children. I went to the viewing, the funeral, and the service afterwards.

I've never believed in God, and I don't think I ever will. I always knew that we just have this life, and then we end up being a memory inside someones shoe box full of photo's. But Thomas's death made this concept more of a reality for me. Everyone remembers Tom for being a person who had accomplished more than three lifetimes in 17 years of life, and the best friend anyone could ever have. It's caused me to really think about life, and something I have been contemplating intensely for the past few months. Time. It's man made, and we all say it is endless. Yet there are certain days when things are supposed to end. 2012, the world will supposedly end because the Mayan calender ran out. It was made by people, and even though they were spread out all over the world came up with the same concept. But this is not all for certain, right? What if the all came up with their own calender that was all very similar, but had minor differences? Then over a few decades, their cultures happen to intertwine. Would they not just adapt to each other and create the calender, and just keep it that they all came up with something nearly identical? There could be centuries of difference in their calenders, but it would all follow on the same pattern. What of that possibility? I'm sure that there are many, and that no one could ever know the truth of the past.

The truth of the past. That's what I wanted from Tori, remember? Her and Lor made up because of Tom's death, and her and Nikki are on much better terms now as well. I have a gut feeling that Tori expected me to instantly become friends with her because our friend passed. Yet, the two situations have nothing to do with each other. I respect and am on a level happy that my friends have extended their friendship with Tori, because it makes them happier. But on another level, I find it rather pathetic. Do they simply forgive and forget what she has done to each of them? Tori has trampled Lor many times to get what she wants, despite Lors feelings in the situation. She didn't listen. Tori admits her mistakes, says she feels horrible, and then repeats the whole thing. How can I trust her, if she won't even tell me the truth of the past?

This is the difference between time and our friendship. People can not simply ask those who created time, for they have long since had their life expire. I asked Tori, because she still lives. She wanted me to be honest with myself to her. I was, and she just turns around and gives me a flaming attitude filled with excuses and ends with the result that it was in the past and shouldn't matter. But it does matter because if she can't be honest about the past, how can I expect her to be honest about the present, or in the future? I don't see her benevolence with that. I find her now to be rather bombastic and narcissistic.

I have the prediciment with Kevin, too. Everyone has told me that he loves me, head over heels, and that he even got depressed when I failed to reply to a text message. I think his song "Sounds of Bliss" is about me as well, for it was written during the time I've known him and talks about a fair maiden and the sky with shades of blue and brown. My eye colours. It's rather vexing, for I don't see me being able to be in a relationship anytime in the near future. I'm too confused with the workings of life. I've told him many times that he is my friend. I don't wish to hurt him, but I don't think it's avoidable at this point. I just hope he doesn't openly confess and expect and answer, for it really will just break his heart. I know he's gone through a lot in the past while, and I don't want to add to that.

Everything doesn't seem too real at the moment, despite the brick wall of reality from Thomas's death. I wonder how it feels to die, and I wonder how I will be remembered by others. I wonder how long they will remember me when I die, or if they'll remember enough to care I'm gone. Am I naive to simply put a pass on the doom of 2012? With all these things running through my mind on top of the pressure of my education, I have resorted to finding peace in the simplest of matters. Such as blinking. It feels refreshing, just as the smell of spring is that flutters through my gable window. All I can do is breathe deep, and try to keep my thoughts afloat the cool river in my mind.

Feels like I'm trying way to hard

and like I haven't tried at all...

So much happened today. Mr. Pellegrini wasn't in class this morning, like he said, because he was at his unvles funeral. I feel so bad, I wanted to cheer him up when he told us his uncle was sick this week but I didn't really know what to do. He's one of my favourite teachers, and I won't see him until Tuesday because of the cosmo trip. Ms. Morretta subbed for him though, and she's another one of my favourite teachers so life was pretty good.

I went to Tori's after school like I said I would. I walked with Nikki since she still lives in that area right after school, and I waited for like ten minutes. I left a message saying almost exactly this [the wording was probs a bit different, including a lot of uhms lol] : Hey Tori, so I just stood out side your house for about ten minutes like I said I would. I put in the effort, and you just aren't being honest. Your loss." She replied on facebook, yeah still when she could have called my cell considering she was closer to the phone to check messages, saying she was out with family [when I saw her brother driving home by himself when I was walking back home] and said I left a nasty message. I was blunt, not nasty. And then she had the nerve to say she didn't remember not being honest! Like, excuse me? She lied and twisted every fact about the whole deal, not just my words but her words to make her seem more in the right. Even more of a blunder, she's been out of school all week. Where does she suddenly get off at going out for lunch? For reals, her lung infection is contagious. Great job infecting the world, my "normal, good friend."

Anyways, afterwards I went down to Becca's and we made her FOB video but we didn't finish it in time. So instead we're going to finish it and then post it up on youtube. We watched MOD, went to the Japanese restraunt next to her house, the park, and then watched some TV. I really needed a good hang out, it helped me from eating myself for being so forceful with Tori even though I know it was the best desicion. Now I'm just debating giving back the stuff she gave me.

On the way home we picked up the mail, and inside was my acceptance letter to UTM's Humanities program! First choice university! Soooo excited! And to top it off, I FINALLY got to use the line "Truth be told, I miss you. And truth be told, I'm lying." AHAHA! It was so great! I used in on Kevin. Ohhhhh how satisfying. Been waiting to use that line all week. Oh, happy days.

My surface is so tough, I don't think the blade will dig in

and that is I expect nothing less from you tonight...

Soooo Tori fb me and Becca asking about all the beef. I told her why I was mad at Brianna and stuff, and then said I still have stuff to resolve with her. She instantly got all defensive and in my face about it, about how there's nothing left to disscuss. We didn't even talk for two minutes about it. So I said no, I have questions and deserve answers. Lets meet up sometime and get it over with so we can move on, but she made even more beef about how she has a hard time doing things in person and has hid behind the protection the internet has given her. I just kept telling her about how I feel about the situation, told her the questions, and she gave me even more answers where she's just giving more withheld information with each post she made to the thread and wants me to just jump right in and say I believe every word she wrote and move on with life. No, that's not how real problems are worked out. I told her I couldn't do that, and needed to hear her appologise in person because anyone can just type an "I'm sorry." It means nothing. And she still gave me attitude! She thinks that just because she doesn't want to talk about it that it's over and done with. I told her I'd walk to her house after school tomorrow for the appology. But ohmygoodness, if she gives me the attitude she had in those posts I am going to verbal slap her and then bitchslap her with the back of my ring hand.

I can't count the nights

when I've hoped tomorrow won't come...

I started watching a new anime today about a shy girl who always carries around her sketch book with the underlying morale that not every moment can be documented, so it's best to relish every minute. Though the theme is cliche, I find it very true. Especially when I bring into the fact that I only have three months left of high school.

Strawberry banana smoothie popsicles are ftw! :]

xxx

Where's your picket fence, love?

and where's that shiney car? And did it ever get you far?

I haven't posted in forever and a half, so I thought I should to let some stuff off my mind.

Dave just posted on my facebook wall that he would like me to live with him and Tori in Tdot with whomever else if I decide to go to York. I like Dave, he's a good guy to be friends with. But, I don't even know if I can be friends with Tori right now. I feel horrible, because when I look back during my debate time I feel as if I've pretended to be her friend when I'm not even sure. I just, repsonded. I have so much to sort out with her, it's unbelievable. First I find out that she's been hiding that she had David over to her house three days after we broke up and kissed him for, oh almost three years. I thought I would just need to adjust with the fact that it happened in the past. I told her afterwards it was still bothering me, and when I look back at it she just shrugged it off. It just keeps surfacing everytime I worry about anything.

Why was he even there? Did she invite him, or did he just show up? If so, why? Why would she even let him into her house, after everything he did? After how horrible she knew I was feeling? Nicole made it clear to him that they were on my side the night he ended it. Tori said she was on my side, then and now. So then, why was he there? Why did that have to happen? Why can't I just forget about it? I don't know. I want to know. I think she knows...

Also, Kevin is soon to be blatantly professing his love to me. Not that he hasn't all ready, like he hasn't said it yet but it's obvious. Alex MacDonald keeps yelling at me to go out with him in the halls since I met him. I mean he wrote a song about me then sang it over the phone to me. I couldn't hear much of it, but it mentioned my eyes. I played it off as I couldn't hear because of my crappy phone speaker but... I don't know. I think I'm stuck unless I know the answers to those questions. I can't answer him properly. I... I want to open up. Maybe to Kevin, maybe to someone else. I don't know. I never cry. Why does all this make me want to cry?

Goodness, I wish the feeling that things are going to end would go away. I know things are going to end. I'm graduating, my friends backstab eachother then don't bother listening long enough to figure out what really happened. They just make assumptions and blame. They make hatefull decisions. I'm going to University, while the three best friends I can actually depend on being there for me and being just are either staying back a year or are still in highschool. Gawd, shut up tears and just stay in the sockets like you're supposed to.

Now that I'm back from Florida, I have to deal with this shit. Tori found letters Lor left in her room when they were still friends about her ex Taylor. They were all like venting letters, kinda like what I do on here. Her and Brianna wanted to give them to Taylor. Now I'm even doubting Dave, because someone told me he was okay with it and that he was actually going to drive there. Not only does that hurt Lor's feelings, but Taylor's too. I don't know Taylor at all, but I don't think he did anything wrong. Lor was the one that messed up that relationship, though I'm sure he had some part in it too, he doesn't deserve to have old scars smashed open with a rusty old nail. I don't hate Lor, and I don't dislike her. I tried to give her another chance at reestablishing the trust, and she blew it. I'm not going to pretend with her. I owe that much at least. If I say anything to her, I feel like I shouldn't be saying anything at all. I don't know if that influenced by others or just my own intuition now. Anyways, I digress. She doesn't deserve that either. When Tori and Brianna gave Becca the letters to look at, she did the right thing by giving them back to Lor.

This isn't fair. So many people I thought I could trust have just stepped on me. I thought I was done with this. I said I could just tell them to shut up when I was disscussing it with Lauren, but I don't know. I haven't done any of that so far. I should.

When I talk to Brianna about anything involving anyone she doesn't like, she just rampages on about how ew that person is. How horrible they are, how it's a wonder I can even stand to be in the same room as them, ect. Even Jaime was better at dealing with that shit. I was besties with Lauren Davies back in the day when I was friends with Jaime, and I would tell her stories and she would be able to see the point and laugh about it. Sure she would stop me at the beginning, but only to say that even though she doesn't like Lauren Davies, she respected that I was friends with her and would leave it at that. Like, seriously. Is that so damn hard?
Brianna also keeps trying to pit off the shit she has going on at home as an excuse for her behaviour. Guilting doesn't work. She just wants pity, which is something she will never admit. It's so goddamn frustrating. The things that come out of this girls mouth sometimes just make you want to throat punch her and make her watch the news so that she can understand what is right and wrong in the world.

I'm going to deal with this stuff. I'm full out going to deal with it. I'll get Becca, Tori, and Brianna in a room and we will disscuss everything. Sort shit out. Of course I'll tell Becca about it first though. The other two can just meet me there. I mean, Lor used to be their FRIEND. How could they even think about doing something like that? If anyone did anything like that to them, no one would ever hear the end of it. They would probably burn the school down in their rage. It feels like if they don't get their way, then nothing else matters. No, I know it's like that.

Goodness, now I'm all frustrated before sleep. I'm going to be thinking about this all night now.