... and now there's nothing left at all
I fucking hate my life right now. First, I spent a month cramped up in my tiny desk space in my room doing nothing but studying for exams. Then, even though I got my license my mum wouldn't let me drive myself. No matter what. It was bad enough having to go through a whole year of trying to rush out of class with her waiting in the car, but then she made me go through it for exams too. Then I spent a week in Mexico. I thought it was going to be really awesome and finally be able to relax.
No.
First my brother gets onto the plane drunk, which made him sick for 5 out of the seven days. I also had to share a room with him. He sleeps with music, so I had to wait until he fell asleep to turn off both the tv and his laptop. But that's not all, he's also very sensitive to heat when he sleeps apparently so I had to freeze with the fan on. Even when he decides he can't sleep on the uncomfortable beds and went in the middle of the night to sleep on the couch, he leaves the fan on. So I'm freezing every night on an uncomfortable bed. I thought a massage would help, and while the actual massage was nice, it left me sore still.
Then there were the sand mites. They were flippin' everywhere. On the tables in the lunch area, and even in the room. They invaded my laptop, and I didn't even have a vaccum to clean them out. I had to leave it on for an hour and watch as little bugs crawled out of my keyboard and then wipe them away with a damp paper towel. I'm terrified of bugs.
I also could eat next to nothing on the menu. It was all seafood or spicy. I ended up eating toast and chicken tacos the whole week. Also, I got my period that week and had to learn how to use the tampons that I hated to do anything remotely interesting.
The only good part was that I finally got to go parasailing. I thought it would last a good ten minutes, but it only lasted about 4.
I managed not to get any sunburn until the last day, which I thought was just minor. I had a little splotch on my face from where I must've wiped off the lotion, and on my shoulders a bit. NO. It turns out the splotch on my face is an infection, because as of yesterday [Sunday, I got back Saturday night] it started to bubble up a bit. I thought oh crap, allergic reaction. But would my mum let me get benadryl? No. I had to sit there and have this nasty thing fester on my face until today when it started to scab a bit so we went to the doctors. I got a cream for it, but I also have a Cobra Starship concert to go to tomorrow. Last time I saw them they recognized me from previous shows, and I was hoping to meet them again because it's the drummers birthday. But no, I have this thing on my face that makes it look like I have a really bad case of herpes that I'm not allowed to cover up at all. No band aids, no make up, nothing. It's near my mouth too, so part of the scabbing is on the corner so I can't even open my mouth very much. This limits what food I can eat. And it's not that it's only on my face either. Oh no, this disgusting patchy scabby thing also has 3 dots along my chest and collar bone, and a new one near my ear. It's not like I have long hair to cover this shit either.
Also, I just checked my marks for the year. I failed 3/4 courses. Like, I knew I was borderline for some of them because I couldn't manage to hand in an assignment or two due to stress from my Opa's death/dying. But really? 3? What was all that studying for? Where did it go? I thought I did okay on my exams. Like, I can understand the science. I can only vaguely describe the stuff they want really technical stuff for. The cct wasn't to great writing it either, but I really thought I did okay. Especially since most of it was multiple choice. But the narrative? What is that? I handed stuff in for that course. I know I missed a lot of classes during the second semester, but it wasn't like I was skipping. I was so god damned stressed about my Opa that I ended up making myself sick a few times. And all that studying, I was so nervous and stressed over these fucking exams that I literally started to eat my bottom lip, and I used to hold my ear when I studied but then I started to pick at the lobe until it bled and got all scabby.
What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I needed 4 credits to even get into second year. Like, I'm taking one course this summer, and even if I pass it that's 2.5 credits. Not that I even want to finish my program. I wanted to get into Sheridan for more screenplay writing, because I've been saying that's what I want to do for the longest time.
But I'm not even sure I want to do that anymore. I've barely been able to write anything this whole year because I've been to flipped out over school and family. I've only written about 3500 words since September. When I think about what I could actually do with learning screen plays, I realize I'd just be one of 10 for a single movie. That's not what I want. I wanted to make my own films, get the camera angles that I want for the script that I wrote. I want to be able to pick who acts as my characters. But it's impossible for me to do all of those things and still make a living.
The circles under my eyes that I thought were already getting bad have gotten three times worse through the course of the Mexico trip. The hair cut that wasn't flattering got fixed before I left, so at least that's one thing that looks okay. When I put my make up on, I realize that even though I'm the palest skin tone the make up gets it's still not pale enough for me. But my pale isn't even healthy looking. It's sickly, and I look like I belong in a hospital bed before I put it on my face.
What's the point in going on like this? The only thing that gave me confidence to even step out of the house and say "I can at least try this today" was that I knew I looked okay. Like, I know I have some mild acne problems with my chest and shoulderblades, but even that has it's fluctuations. I could cover it with clothes. Now I have this horrible thing on my face, and the circles under my eyes are so bad that I could play a corpse.
I want to sing. I can't sing anymore though. I can't stand it when I sing in the house, because even in the sound proof room my family can hear and then I get nervous and can't even warm up. How can I practice anything if I can't warm up? They get so damn nosy that they try to eaves drop, or ask me about every thing. When I try to walk downstairs, they always want to know where I'm going. What I'm doing. I try to go out to the corner store when it's dark for a snack, they get so protective that they want to drive me two blocks down the street and watch me go through the store. I hate it. Why can't they leave me alone? It's not as though Alex even uses the music room anymore, since he's renting a studio for his band. Why can't they leave me alone? Why can't I just sit in my room and sing when I want to? Why couldn't they even let me go to my fucking exams by myself? Why do I have to go to school to learn stuff that I don't even like?That I don't even know if I'm ever going to use it. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where I even want to go. I don't have a place where I feel it's okay for me to just do what I want. The closest thing is the tiny space in my room where my desk is, where I'm sitting now. I can sing here. I can be here. But if the door even opens a bit, or I hear someone else move throughout the house, I feel as though I shouldn't make noise. As though I shouldn't be here, to even risk disturbing them.
But then I get so frustrated when I finally have a chance to hang out with my friends and I don't have transportation that was promised to me. Can I call them friends? I can't tell them any of this. I could tell Becca and Nick about the problem with my face, but I could never speak anything about my grades. I don't want them to know that I'm such a failure, that I'm so weak and misguided.
What's wrong with me? I adamantly denied any possibility of a relationship with Kevin because I felt he was so inadequate with his schooling and general life goals. Not that I want to be with him either way, he's just a friend. But why did I do that? Why did I tell myself that he wasn't good enough? Who am I to judge a person that way?
Over all the only thing that I consider good to happen in the last month is getting the new Tsubasa manga. Isn't that pathetic? Taking refuge in anime and manga. I'm so worthless. Even when I speak to other people, they always think I say something else or I have to repeat myself so many times for them to hear clearly that they get fed up and don't listen. Like, I told my mum I'm starting to write something called "I know what you wish to lie" and then she started going on about how my old job in retail must've really affected me, thinking "lie" was "buy." That's a horrible example of this, but the only one that comes to mind. Probably because it was so insulting that she'd go on for so long about it, ignoring me trying to correct her. People get so frustrated when this happens, but they get so dejected when I stay quiet.
I really am a worthless person.
Posts
