I should go if no one is listening...

... still sleepless over this

Soooo me and my boyfriend will have been dating for 3 months by the end of the month. We're both second years at the same university. We don't go out together very often, and when we do it's always something I've suggested and I'm the only one inviting him out. We always end up in his room watching something on his laptop, listening to music, napping, and being intimate. I enjoy this, but I feel like I know nothing about him. I know about his insecurities, fears, his family issues, and his music tastes. I usually just get to ask about his day and he tells me about his projects. When I tell him about how something random reminds me of something and relay a story, I follow up with a question about what sort of random things always remind him of a random something. He always answers dismissively, saying he can't think of anything or there isn't anything in particular.

But then... We had a good conversation on Thursday about fruits, and he makes me dinner sometimes and is a total sweetheart about it, even when I feel like something really random. One day I had a major cake craving, and we went out to buy all the ingredients and he made me, from scratch, his chocolate chip cake with whipped cream. He notices things like when I change my usual eyeshadow colour, really listens when I ramble on about stuff, and worries about if I'm okay to drive home and how my health is. He always asks for me to text him when I make it home, and often texts me at random times saying he misses me. I really do love this sweetheart, but I feel like I'm struggling to connect when we don't have in depth conversations.

Now, I'm what one would call a hardcore good girl. Straight edge, a virgin, and abstinent for non religious reasons.

While I've explained all this with Terry, he's been moving my hand down to his nether regions when our kisses get more intimate, and even had lengthy discussions about how he believes there is no sex without love and no love without sex. For the last two - three weeks he's been constantly bringing this up. He told me he feels that he's only pleasuring me, so I've been pulling away slightly until I feel ready to pleasure him back, but even when we lay down next to each other with little mouth contact he still says he's too excited and dives into his rambling. He tells me he really respects my views, but doesn't understand why I don't feel comfortable with simply using my hand yet. While he says he hates putting pressure on me, he constantly tells be how much it stresses him out that I don't pleasure him and that I don't seem to care about such a serious issue which hurts him.

Last night we had our first fight about it. He started out with the usual discussion of how it's stressing him out a lot, and what hurts the most is that I don't even try.

[I did try once though, after the first couple tried of him guiding my hand I allowed him to do so and over his pants tried to stroke at it, but then he frustratingly told me to just grab it which scared me out of it. I decided to take it in steps and get used to touching his skin first and have been holding him with my hands inside his shirt.]

Usually when he starts this conversation, I end up being able to reply matter-of-fact that I do care and realize the importance, and that I'm sorry. But I end up loosing my words and can only make disapproving noises by the end. Throughout the conversation, before he started getting rude about it, I really tried to mentally talk myself into placing my hand on his junk. I made it to the top of his belt line and hesitated there for a while before he pulled my hand away saying that I'd never do it.

I find this topic extremely embarrassing and awkward. This was the first time he talked over me, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to get my voice out. Even when he told me he didn't feel like I cared about it despite how much it was clearly distressing him, when he called me immature and selfish, and then he hated himself for hurting me and making me feel awkward. Then after a lengthy period of him talking to me about how hard it is to hold it in and how it really hurt him, I still couldn't say anything. Then he sighed heavily in a frustrated tone and said "and after all that you still don't try anything!"

Eventually my friend called and interrupted our long silence next to each other, as we were supposed to meet up, and then he told me I should just go.

The whole time I'd been grinding my lip with my teeth, and biting at my thumbs. Distressing over the fact that I was hurting him with my ethical boundaries that he doesn't understand, my fear of diving into something so intimate and embarrassing involving his privates, I started to get angry that he was just telling me to go after calling me selfish, childish [as he'd mentioned a couple times that "it's not like this is elementary school"], and that I don't really care for him [despite the amount of time I spent choosing his birthday present, including making him a necklace, giving him little gifts like glow in the dark guitar picks and candy, constantly hanging out with him despite how late it gets, even introducing him to my whole family] and then just telling me to leave. So I got up and put my jacket and stuff on in a bit of a huff. He'd sluggishly gotten up out of the bed, and moved as though he was going to walk me back to my car but I tossed the CD I was lending him on the bed and opened his bedroom door to rush out.

But then he grabbed me from behind and held me there with both his arms and stayed like that for a moment before asking why I was leaving like that, that he just said to go meet up with my friend because it was normal not to want to keep them waiting. He said the way I was leaving was just like the rest, leaving with misinterpreted thoughts on what he said and leaving him without looking back. I dropped my bag at that point and turned to face him, and I said if I was leaving him I wouldn't have tossed the CD on the bed. That I was just leaving for then, because I didn't have any intentions of leaving him. Then... Then something I never thought would happen did. He cried. He legit cried over the image of me leaving him, and said he just felt so insecure about it. At that point all I could do was apologize and hold onto him, while telling him that I loved him. He told me that if I didn't want to be that intimate, all I needed to say was wait. So I replied "Then, wait." and he agreed. It took a few minutes for him to calm down, where all I could do was hold onto him and apologize, kissing his cheek and saying I loved him.

That was on Friday night, and now it's 2am on Sunday. I don't know how to act when I see him next. Nikki says I probably couldn't comply with his needs because I don't feel connected to him yet, as we don't do things like go on dates. Which frustrates her, since she's in a long distance relationship and can't do things like dates. I looked up some fun idea's for dates, and tips on some conversations involving questioning games that I think I'm going to try. Hopefully the more I do this with him, the more I'll feel connected and reassure him at the same time.

I have a nail appointment at 11am, as I'm meeting Tim Burton on Monday and my 19th birthday is Wednesday. I need sleep.

This is why I find myself insane...

... taken from a post I made on my best friends facebook wall.

I had a dream that I was trying to get back home from campus to pick you up and go to the Lights concert, but dundas had somehow been destroyed and turned into sort of farming land and a huge-ass river and I lost my car and then some crazy guy told me I had to go to school for experimenting but it was already 7pm and the show was starting and somehow you were at the show waiting, but this guy had me hold onto this rope and dragged me from a helicopter over a waterfall. I missed the show. I was pissed.

Also, HAPPY MOVEMBER!

To myself, the only one who ever looks at this page. Ha.

Now it's easier...

... than you thought that it would be

I have my theatre midterm friday. Gah. I have so much to study!! Also have been missing a ridiculous amount of my British Lit classes. I hate mornings. I've been sick siiiiiiince Saturday night/Sunday thanks to my brother, and I super didn't want to kiss Terry and give it to him but things got complicated.

So after his classes were done we ended up meeting in the hall of CCT where I was heading back from the library, where I had to ditch due to my rather disruptive coughing fit of nasty. Anyways we went back to his place and were gunna study but I asked if we could nap and apparently he'd only slept 4 hours so he agreed. We went up to his room and everything was good, he was playfully trying to kiss me but I kept saying no and pulling back and explaining how sad it would be if I got him sick when the Anberlin show is next week, as well as his birthday and halloween [I'm going as Pikachu btw!].

So we were lying there snuggling and listening to Blink 182 when Kevin, who I was texting before, texted me back. So Terry handed me my phone and Kevin texted something incoherent so I was asking Terry about it to see if he would understand and he got all sort of moody and said "I... seriously don't care." So I was like "Uhmmm, kay. Well Kevin's stupid anyways." and put my phone down. Then Terry got really standoffish and wouldn't face me and sat up a couple times and seemed really agitated. I sat up too and put my chin on his shoulder and asked what he was thinking about while he was looking out the window and he was like "a lot of things." So I waited a second before saying "like what?" and he didn't answer and just laid back down. I laid back down with him, and he was only letting me lay on his arm when he usually holds me with his other and was looking away from me and at the ceiling and stuff. I thought he was like that because I wouldn't let him kiss me, so I decided one kiss wouldn't hurt and sat up and pecked his lips and told him to make sure to take vitamins and stuff for precaution, but he just sorta stared at me. I didn't get why he was so rawr, and it felt like something jabbing at my chest.

A minute later he asks "why do you talk about him around me?" and I was confused, and was like "What? Who, Kevin?" since he was the only guy I'd mentioned. He totally thought Kevin was my ex, and said he specifically remembered me calling him my boyfriend at one point when I introduced them. I was like "Uh, no. Never dated Kevin. He's my guy friend. Never would've said he was anything else, he's the only one that's had one sided feelings for about a year." and he was still angry about it and went on to say it felt horrible when I talk about him in front of him. So I was still rather stunned and feeling really awkward since I was thinking about the party when Kevin was drunk, and I apologized in a sort of meek voice. But he told me it wasn't something I should apologize for, and then said "What a day this was."

At this point I looked between him and the little card and price tag pinned on his bulletin board from when we first got together for a minute before saying "You're really mad about this." as I was still trying to take in the fact that he was angry at me. He replied "Well, yeah. Doesn't feel nice." So I took my arm back from hanging over his chest and lay there for a moment and I felt like my insides had been clenched and twisted with a wrench. I got a little more upset in my tone than I wanted to, because I was thinking about how the texting convo was over plans to go Toronto shopping for Terry's birthday present. Then I said "You know, Kevin's one of my best guy friends. He doesn't even like me that way anymore." [as Becca had told me, as well as Kevin telling me about a few new crushes he's had recently] and Terry replied saying "That's only what you think." So I sat up and said "Do you even know my dating history? I've only dated two guys before, one of them being you. That's how picky I am." And I turned away and was thinking of just leaving to go study in the library.

He sat up after that, and apologized and hugged me and went on saying how I was the longest he's ever been in a relationship with someone. Which surprised me so I was like "What, really? We've been dating since August so..." and he instantly replied around two months which made me smile and he was like "Yeah, sad right?" and I was like "Aha kinda." Then he went on to say how I was also the only girl whose parents he met, as well as family. I told him he was the first guy I brought to my family gathering, besides the Prolas family but they didn't count 'cause they are family. He told him mum about it on the phone and apparently she was pretty surprised. Then I went on to say my last boyfriend was a total douche who was in the army who hunted and killed bunnies and told him about this one time where I invited him to one of my brothers shows and stuff. Then I was like "Noooo, all I can picture are dying bunnies. Dead bunnies aren't cool. Except the bunny from Holy grail, that was hilarious." Then Terry said dead bunnies aren't nice and hoped that he missed a lot, and went on to say that I was all he thought about, like the instant he woke up the first word that came to his mind was my name and when I was sick and couldn't make it to campus and see him he smoked a bunch weed for short term memory loss [which he probs would've done anyways, but the way he said it was sweet.]

Then he said he loved me, and I said I loved him and we kissed a couple times before I pulled away and was like "Wait bad, sick!" and laid back down with him next to me and a minute passed before I went "Fuck." and kissed him again. Then my phone alarm went off and I had to go to class so we were like "Five more minutes" but it passed quick and then he walked me to class.

After a very long and boring class where we studied Frankenstein for the third consecutive year, Terry walked me to my car and then we had our goodbye kiss but I didn't want him to go yet so I asked if he wanted a ride and he said sure so I moved my books and he got in. When we got back to his dorm we had another good bye kiss and he said he loved me and I said I loved him. Then he asked me to say it again, so I blushed and said it in a slightly quieter tone that I loved him and he asked "Really?" and I giggled and said yeah. It was really cute.

I know I wasn't sure before, but since my last post I've been really looking at him and taking in his little habits [like when he's thinking about something he doesn't really like but has to do he puffs out his cheeks. So cute!] and how he talks and taking more effort to listen to him. I really miss him when I'm not with him, and when I hear a song on the radio I think "Oh, Terry would like this!" or I think aww those lyrics make more sense now. I miss him.

Would you risk the broken bones...

... just to call this place home

Today, I would've actually made it to my first class on time this morning if it wasn't cancelled. I ended up going out to breakfast with my mum and granny instead since I had a couple hours till my next class. Actually, I haven't done nearly enough studying for my British Lit. test Wednesday. Things to do when I wake up...

During my last class Terry texted me saying he couldn't hang today 'cause he needed to study, which ended up being a good thing because I forgot I made plans with Becca to hang after classes because it's the anniversary of her fathers death. We ended up at burger king, where I ate a whopper jr., then we went to Tako for dessert but it was closed. We then saw quiznos, and I bought a six in sub there and ate then. Then Becca wanted ice cream, so we went to Baskin robins and I bought two chocolate bars in the hasty market. I wasn't even hungry, but I just kept eating. Probably because I didn't eat a lot during the weekend.

I haven't really talked to Terry in a few days because of school and stuff, and I accidently ran into him on his way to class today so I saw him for all of 35 seconds. We've really only been texting each other, and it's nothing terribly in depth. I feel like we don't actually talk, and when I'm apart from him for more than a couple days I start feeling really insecure and doubtful of my feelings towards him and his feelings towards me. When he stayed over after Alexx's birthday, the next day we were napping on the couch and when I was half asleep he whispered that he loved me into my ear. At first I played it off as though I was still asleep, even though I wasn't quite unconscious yet. He said it again soon after when I woke up, and the only thing I could think of to do was kiss him quick a couple times and then bury my face in his chest to keep him from seeing my face. I do like him, but we've only been seeing each other since the end of August. We've barely passed the one month point. I didn't think he'd really push saying it again, but a couple days later we were in his room napping again [we really do nap a lot...] and he said it.

Twice.

The first time I pretended to be unconscious again, I was facing away from him using his arm as a pillow and he was sort of stroking my torso while taking super small detours to brush over my chest/thigh/butt when I was actually asleep but half awake when he touched me... I just typed some inappropriate things for the internet. Anyways he continued to stroke my torso and then pulled me in even closer and whispered it into my ear again. Okayyyy, a while later I was lying on my side with my face buried in his chest and he was stroking my hair and he said it again. I just couldn't not say anything again, and I couldn't bring myself to say something else so I ended up mumbling "Love you too," where he then started hugging me closer and kissing my face again. He often kisses and strokes my face by the way, and sometimes he'll hold me up a bit or slightly pin me down and say he wants to look at me. I tend to bury my face into his neck and chest most of the time, and it makes me rather self conscious when he does this. One time he said this after I sat up to look out the window at the rain, and I sort of mumbled a bit before checking the time on my phone. The phone illumination hit my face and he said "Oh, I knew it. You look better in the light." Which was unbelievably sweet.

I start to notice how little I know about him when we're apart, and sometimes when we're together. I know his general background of where he's lived and that he didn't have too great a time in high school, and that he never goes to play parks. We went to one when we were in guelph and he said it was the last time he could remember being at one was when he was ten. I'd like him to open up to me more like that. I want to know his little quirks, his favourite foods, his routines... But I feel awkward just asking him, and I can't always pick up on these things with observation. I ramble when I'm nervous and he makes me feel all fluttery so I end up talking about a whole bunch of habits and different things. My friends sorta spew out the same things about me when we all hang as well, like my habit to say "the that" or "and stuff" when I don't want to mention something awkward or have nothing else to add. Then I realize I've never really been able to hang with his friends. They really don't seem very interested in talking with me, because a few times I've ended up by myself with them in the room and they hardly even look up from their computer. I try starting conversation, like asking about the games they're playing and how classes are going and such. I even brought them pizza one time since I knew Terry and I hadn't eaten, but only one of them took part in it. One of his roommates approached me when we crossed paths once, and we exchanged simple greetings and such. I've also invited him to a lot of my friend hang outs, but he's never invited me to his. Whenever we go to his house he ends up leading me straight up to his room. Actually that's a lie, he invited me to go to nuit blanche with him Saturday, but I'd already made pub plans with friends. I found out after he was going with a bunch of people, though he never ended up going.

Why do I feel so insecure when I don't see him for a while? He's such a sweetheart. I contradict myself with this, because I felt it was too fast for us to be in love but I get so uneasy when I can't be near him. Even when we hold hands I find myself holding onto his shirt or forearm with my other hand. I don't get to see him until Wednesday, and even then only for around an hour. If he doesn't have to study or meet up with his lab group. Auuuggggghhh this is making me crazy!

I miss him.

Once you release your words...

... they'll turn into lights

Soooo today was kinda blarghy. I'd been sick most of the week from a high fever that left me supremely dizzy and unable to walk straight, and didn't realize that Friday would be October. Somehow I'd convinced myself that it was next week. I had an in class essay, where I needed to memorize two outlines and the one question would be chosen. I scrambled and finished in time, including a good two hours of memorization on how the essay would plan out. Sadly, it didn't go very smoothly. I only had the 45 minutes, which proved to not be long enough as I didn't complete the essay that was worth 25% of my grade. I better work super hard on that take home essay...

Also, I took my brother and Granny out for dinner. My parents have been in Mexico and Alberta for a week, so my Granny had called a couple times. My brother was stupid and invited his friend Naseem to join us in the middle of the meal, not that I don't like Naseem but it was dinner with my Granny so it was a little awkward. Though I think it ended up okay, she seemed to have fun. After that my brother invited people over again to band jam and drink while I went to meet up with Becca and Myu at Swiss chalet. We then tried to call Chuckles, who flat out refused to come to timmies with us because he's a buttface.

All together, today was an alright day. I did get to see Terry for the first time in a few days, which was awesome. I'd forgotten my earrings in his dorm room, so we went back and snuggled and watched NANA 'cause we're fabulous. Sadly he's had a cold for a week, and he also doesn't believe in some medicine stuff. Hopefully he gets better soon. He started on how he wants to kiss me but can't on Monday, and it was really cute. Today he said the same thing, because he thought I caught his cold so it would be okay to kiss but I had something different. He went on to say "not that it's a big deal, but god damn!" So we haven't kissed in said time except for a small surprise peck today when he hopped up onto his bed with me [the only place to really sit in his room] which was followed by a quick "oh shit!" 'cause he forgot he was sick. It was cute :]

Oh yes, description of Terry. Important things for me to look back on when I can't remember things straight.

I met Terry at the Fair to Midland/Karnivool show that my brothers band Killing Isaac opened for. After Karnivools set before Fair to Midland came on and after we'd helped put Killing Isaac's equipment back in the cars, he came up to talk to me and Becca asking if I went to UTM. He recognized me out of the 300+ students in our Environmental lecture, which he's recently stated it was due to my hair since it's rather distinctive and awesome. Anyways, he came to the show to see Karnivool saying it was a taste of home [they're Australian], and he really liked my brothers set and stuff so we exchanged numbers and stuff to talk about upcoming shows and stuff before watching Fair to Midlands set. We talked about how often we go to shows, and I said it's what I live for. He asked me if I knew a lot of people at the show, and I pointed out about 25 near the front who came to see my brother and he seemed rather impressed for some reason.

I haven't mentioned this to anyone I don't think, but during the set he asked if he could see me again and I said sure and then he asked if he could kiss me to be sure and I was like ''uh, no." Ha.

Sooo, then Becca and I managed to talk to the lead singer of Karnivool for a while before leaving. Totally forgot about him by that point, and only realized on the way back home that I'd kinda ditched so I texted him and we talked about bands and stuff.

Time went on, stuff happened, la la la, and then I texted him about buying my Miyavi ticket and I was super excited for the show. He was super surprised people knew about Miyavi, so he also bought a ticket and came to the show with Nikki, Kathleen and I. We also saw Liz and Keith at the show. Miyavi was amazing. Mind blowing. I bought stuff, and it was grand. He still didn't talk very much, but he made cookies and brought them for the line and they were tasty. Found out he smoked weed, but none of us smoked so he left it alone. More stuff happened in life, blah blah blah, stuff with Chuckles happened [I totally only saw Terry as a friend at this point, a friend with very awesome interests that corresponded with mine] and thennnn I lent him NANA manga and told him about an upcoming Killing Isaac show at Wasaga beach. I told him it was over night camping, and that IllScarlett was headlining and another awesome local band Stereokid was playing. He said he'd come, and he did.

We'd been texting a lot more at this point, so I felt a bit more comfortable with him. Becca also came to the show/camping/beach trip. We all hung out the first day, set everything up and stuff. I was already pretty aware of Terry, but this trip just upped that a bunch. The second day we went to the beach for a bit. I was still a pansy with the sun, so while they sat down for a while on the sand I walked around the shops and stuff. It was also the day of Killing Isaacs set, and they were supremely hung over and didn't play at their best but were still sounding amazing. Stereokid was fantastic, Kenta wore a Koolaid man suit on stage at the beginning and Greg did a freestyle that was mind blowing. Sooo many people were hyped up for them, it was super awesome! Then during IllScarlett's set, Becca decided to skip and sleep because she was laaaaame [haha] Terry and I got separated in the mosh pit that formed but we eventually found each other and during the last couple songs and encore he held my hand. After the set we walked around the site for a long while holding hands and talking about tunes, when we discovered he'd lost his sandals in the mosh pit. So we hung out around the campfire and had an amazing sing a long with Jason leading usually. We attracted a bunch of people to our site [around 50] and we ended up being so loud that security had to come over and tell us that we had to quiet down. It was rad. During said sing a long, Terry held his hand around my waist, and it was really sweet but at the same time I thought my chest would burst. Sleeping next to him in my sleeping bag wasn't easy after that, I ended up burying my face deep inside to get some piece of mind. Also, it was freeeeezing at night!

After the camping trip, Becca Terry and I made our way to Oakville place to buy our Anberlin tickets [though Terry bought is elsewhere]. He held my hand the whole time :]

We then meandered back to my house, where we had a fire in the backyard as we'd apparently not had enough while camping. He also held my hands for the majority of that, while Becca surfed the internet and probably narrated our every move amongst a few people online. Nikki joined us for a while, and it was grand. We found out while online that we were invited to Jordan's end of summer party, so I asked if I could bring Terry and so we went. That happened on Sunday, the party was Wednesday.

At the party, I picked up Terry then headed over a couple hours late because for some reason it started at 2:30 and ended after midnight. Throughout the party Terry apparently stated that he was dating me, which I didn't quite understand at the time because we'd never really clarified in words what us holding hands and stuff meant. This made me extremely happy, so I went along with it. I beat Chuckles at beer pong, which was grand. What wasn't grand was Kevin being drunk after arriving around 7ish with Becca and taking Terry over to the side and threatening him. I didn't really find out about this until after the party when I'd dropped everyone off, 'cause we dropped off Kevin and Becca last before I went to drop off Terry and Kevin said something weird so I asked Terry about it. He said that Kevin pulled him over to the side to threaten to bring his Burlington buddies over and beat him up. This made me extremely frustrated and worried, so I apologized a bunch for Kevin being stupid and ended up explaining a bunch of stuff about Kevin and my relationship to clarify that it was him being ridiculous and that if he ever did anything I'd beat him up first. Terry saw I was kinda freaking out and ended up holding my hand while I drove him home and told me not to worry about it, nothing would happen and everything was cool.

Actually, before that bit of drama we had dropped off the first carload of people and on our way back into Jordan's backyard I felt him tugging me back [we were holding hands]. When I turned around and asked what was wrong he surprised me and kissed me. It was slightly clumsy and forceful, and I forgot to close my eyes for the first part but it was still soft and warm. I was still all flustered and ended up pushing away because I forgot how to breathe during a kiss and quickly stammered "Uh, uhm... They're uh waiting so we should go..." Yeah, go me. Super smooth. Not.

Then classes started, and we hung out a bunch more. We hang out in his room to listen to tunes and watch movies sometimes, and he's taken me out to the river a couple times. He's such a sweetheart! When we first went I was wearing a giant baggy sweater that covered my shorts, and he took off his shirt for me to sit on so I wouldn't sit on the rock. [Yes, he was wearing something underneath, he wasn't stripping haha.] Last weekend was Alexx's 19th birthday, and she let me bring him along 'cause she super wanted to meet him. Anywayyyyyyssssss...

After dinner at Kelsey's we went to Alexx's to hang, and eventually I drove everyone home. I was super tired by the time Terry and I got to my place, and the house was empty anyways since my brother was out partying and my parents were out of the province so I let him sleep over. We crashed in my bed, and I fell asleep on my side with him up against my back and his arm slung over my torso while we held hands. I enjoyed that a lot.

Oh, as for actual description of Terry...

He's my height, maybe half an inch taller. He's slim and slightly muscular, with short hair that's long enough to burry my fingers into. He's Korean, so he has the black hair and dark eyes, but has been in boarding school for eight years and developed a New Zealand/Aussie accent for that's where he's boarded. His father lives in China, while his mother in Korea. However, he doesn't consider himself Korean because of some mishaps in high school with a bunch of Korean kids from what I understand. He didn't have fun in high school, and I feel kinda bad because I mention my high school a bunch 'cause I super miss choir and vocal class.

I have to wait until Monday to see him. I've only been able to hang out with him a couple hours this week, and it makes me sad. I miss him. I hope he gets better soon, he seemed to be quite miserable about having a cold. Maybe I should get mum to teach me how to make her broccoli soup so I can bring him some when she gets back from Mexico on Sunday.

There are words...

... that don't belong.

I've recently remembered this blog. There are things which I'd like to keep written down for memory sake as the days seem to blur together, so I'm going to make an effort to post more often.

The last sort of diary post was of my break down over my first year in university. Thankfully, life has gotten better! I've progressed in romance, and have even started writing again. Though I've realized I've started back into my old habits, and really need to push through them. I thought that having new elements in my life would help motivate me, but I suppose I depend on that fact too much and haven't really put in the effort. I will try this time to make my life more prosperous, so I don't end up like before.

There are a few things I need to write down, so I'll try to order them. Firstly, I should discuss the romance. At the end of my first year, I had feelings for one of my best friends who I call Chuckles. I'd had them for around a year by then, and over the summer things started to progress with that. I'd been told by Becca often that he and Kevin would often get into silly quarrels about their feelings over me, but I always tried not to let it get to my head. It wasn't definite, I didn't want to overstep my bounds. Then Tyler's 19th birthday party came. Chuckles didn't attend, for he was at another party he'd already rsvp'd to. He came up in conversation since he was missing, and we talked about how silly and hilarious he is. Then the guys started saying how Chuckles always talked about me as well, saying how much of a sweetheart I am and all these things. I was super happy about this, and couldn't stop smiling for the longest time.

[BTW, there was this guy Hutch at the party that was apparently hitting on me the whole time and I was super oblivious. It stopped after this though... Ha.]

Martin decided he was drunk, and blatantly said so, and that he should tell me straight up that Chuckles actually had wanted to date me for the longest time. The only thing that's held him back was my being straight edge, not the drinking or the drugs but the fact that I wouldn't have sex.

This hit me so hard.

I ended up thinking about that for a long time. My initial response was having my heart explode from happiness that he felt the same way, and I started debating ways I could give subtle hints for him to make a move. But then I started thinking about his reason that had prevented him so far. If it was so important for him to have such an intimate physical relationship, even if we did date wouldn't that just ruin everything? We'd end up torn by my uncertainty and chastity, and not only destroy whatever sort of romance could've been built but also our friendship. I'd consulted with Becca and a few guy friends in Timmies about this dilemma, and they agreed it was best to let it go.

Still, it's hard to just let go of something like that. I'd liked him for over a year, and he was/is also one of my best friends.

I decided to focus on my interest in Terry [who I will talk about in my next post!] and try to rid of my feelings for Chuckles. It took a lot of effort, and it seemed so vain because he still acted exactly the same and said such sweet things that it pierced my heart every time.

Then one day, we met up for lunch with Becca and Nikki at Pho Mi. Chuckles was the last to arrive. He walked in as usual, wearing a tie and a hat to cover his recently shaved hair. But there was a hickey on his neck.

How stupid could I be, getting my hopes up like that? Even though I'd told myself not to like him, I still held onto hope from what was said at that party. It didn't occur to me he was actually so hung up on the intimate physical relationship. I was so struck by it that I ended up glancing at his neck the whole meal, then decided it didn't exist. Later that night I was still caught up in that delusion that I even pointed it out asking what the heck he did, and if he wanted a band-aid as though it were a cut. Becca pestered him about who it was that gave him the hickey, and he made up such ridiculous things like "Spider bite, Martin did it, I ran into a door" and so on.

Thus ended my romantic attachment to Chuckles, who is to remain my best guy friend that tells ridiculous stories of the Mongolians, orphans, and mutilations. I hope he'll always be my friend.

The truth within the ruins

In skies of gold with arms full of lilies I shall walk this grassy plain, through the horizon and time itself, if only to glimpse what would occur if my hesitation was non-existent. This sky taunts me, so vast in the colour mixed from the crimson on my hands and the beauty of your soul. Life has killed the dream I dreamed with these storms of humanity I cannot weather. Both here and in another present I inhale, and they exhale. Still, I step forwards in hopes of reaching that moment. I pray I move forward as well. Or is my life just one more lie? Alas, we always get our share. Yet if I am to glimpse that moment, and hold your hand in mine, I would carry a thousand more of these white petals that embrace you across this grassy plain.

-- Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles

It's up to you

Is this more than my own hands can accomplish?

My smooth hands that should be worn with life,

the sand that I want to linger,

easily slips through my fingers.

Carried on by the sound of the wind.

Resonating. Empty.

My hand outstretched.

I wonder, what could connect my hand to yours?

The hands still move, it's impossible to return.

Happiness or sadness, tomorrow will come.

These hands are set, walking forward and counting each step.

Tick tick. Clap clap. Tick tick. Clap clap.

Resonating. Empty.

My hand outstretched.

I wonder, what could connect my hand to yours?

It's impossible to return.

Tick tick. Clap clap.

My hand outstretched.

Tick tick. Clap clap.

The singing wind that carries the sand.

Tick tick.

Happiness or sadness, tomorrow will come.

Clap clap.

I wonder, what could connect my hand to yours?

I wonder, will you be happy tomorrow?

The ice is getting thinner

... and now there's nothing left at all

I fucking hate my life right now. First, I spent a month cramped up in my tiny desk space in my room doing nothing but studying for exams. Then, even though I got my license my mum wouldn't let me drive myself. No matter what. It was bad enough having to go through a whole year of trying to rush out of class with her waiting in the car, but then she made me go through it for exams too. Then I spent a week in Mexico. I thought it was going to be really awesome and finally be able to relax.

No.

First my brother gets onto the plane drunk, which made him sick for 5 out of the seven days. I also had to share a room with him. He sleeps with music, so I had to wait until he fell asleep to turn off both the tv and his laptop. But that's not all, he's also very sensitive to heat when he sleeps apparently so I had to freeze with the fan on. Even when he decides he can't sleep on the uncomfortable beds and went in the middle of the night to sleep on the couch, he leaves the fan on. So I'm freezing every night on an uncomfortable bed. I thought a massage would help, and while the actual massage was nice, it left me sore still.

Then there were the sand mites. They were flippin' everywhere. On the tables in the lunch area, and even in the room. They invaded my laptop, and I didn't even have a vaccum to clean them out. I had to leave it on for an hour and watch as little bugs crawled out of my keyboard and then wipe them away with a damp paper towel. I'm terrified of bugs.

I also could eat next to nothing on the menu. It was all seafood or spicy. I ended up eating toast and chicken tacos the whole week. Also, I got my period that week and had to learn how to use the tampons that I hated to do anything remotely interesting.

The only good part was that I finally got to go parasailing. I thought it would last a good ten minutes, but it only lasted about 4.

I managed not to get any sunburn until the last day, which I thought was just minor. I had a little splotch on my face from where I must've wiped off the lotion, and on my shoulders a bit. NO. It turns out the splotch on my face is an infection, because as of yesterday [Sunday, I got back Saturday night] it started to bubble up a bit. I thought oh crap, allergic reaction. But would my mum let me get benadryl? No. I had to sit there and have this nasty thing fester on my face until today when it started to scab a bit so we went to the doctors. I got a cream for it, but I also have a Cobra Starship concert to go to tomorrow. Last time I saw them they recognized me from previous shows, and I was hoping to meet them again because it's the drummers birthday. But no, I have this thing on my face that makes it look like I have a really bad case of herpes that I'm not allowed to cover up at all. No band aids, no make up, nothing. It's near my mouth too, so part of the scabbing is on the corner so I can't even open my mouth very much. This limits what food I can eat. And it's not that it's only on my face either. Oh no, this disgusting patchy scabby thing also has 3 dots along my chest and collar bone, and a new one near my ear. It's not like I have long hair to cover this shit either.

Also, I just checked my marks for the year. I failed 3/4 courses. Like, I knew I was borderline for some of them because I couldn't manage to hand in an assignment or two due to stress from my Opa's death/dying. But really? 3? What was all that studying for? Where did it go? I thought I did okay on my exams. Like, I can understand the science. I can only vaguely describe the stuff they want really technical stuff for. The cct wasn't to great writing it either, but I really thought I did okay. Especially since most of it was multiple choice. But the narrative? What is that? I handed stuff in for that course. I know I missed a lot of classes during the second semester, but it wasn't like I was skipping. I was so god damned stressed about my Opa that I ended up making myself sick a few times. And all that studying, I was so nervous and stressed over these fucking exams that I literally started to eat my bottom lip, and I used to hold my ear when I studied but then I started to pick at the lobe until it bled and got all scabby.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I needed 4 credits to even get into second year. Like, I'm taking one course this summer, and even if I pass it that's 2.5 credits. Not that I even want to finish my program. I wanted to get into Sheridan for more screenplay writing, because I've been saying that's what I want to do for the longest time.

But I'm not even sure I want to do that anymore. I've barely been able to write anything this whole year because I've been to flipped out over school and family. I've only written about 3500 words since September. When I think about what I could actually do with learning screen plays, I realize I'd just be one of 10 for a single movie. That's not what I want. I wanted to make my own films, get the camera angles that I want for the script that I wrote. I want to be able to pick who acts as my characters. But it's impossible for me to do all of those things and still make a living.

The circles under my eyes that I thought were already getting bad have gotten three times worse through the course of the Mexico trip. The hair cut that wasn't flattering got fixed before I left, so at least that's one thing that looks okay. When I put my make up on, I realize that even though I'm the palest skin tone the make up gets it's still not pale enough for me. But my pale isn't even healthy looking. It's sickly, and I look like I belong in a hospital bed before I put it on my face.

What's the point in going on like this? The only thing that gave me confidence to even step out of the house and say "I can at least try this today" was that I knew I looked okay. Like, I know I have some mild acne problems with my chest and shoulderblades, but even that has it's fluctuations. I could cover it with clothes. Now I have this horrible thing on my face, and the circles under my eyes are so bad that I could play a corpse.

I want to sing. I can't sing anymore though. I can't stand it when I sing in the house, because even in the sound proof room my family can hear and then I get nervous and can't even warm up. How can I practice anything if I can't warm up? They get so damn nosy that they try to eaves drop, or ask me about every thing. When I try to walk downstairs, they always want to know where I'm going. What I'm doing. I try to go out to the corner store when it's dark for a snack, they get so protective that they want to drive me two blocks down the street and watch me go through the store. I hate it. Why can't they leave me alone? It's not as though Alex even uses the music room anymore, since he's renting a studio for his band. Why can't they leave me alone? Why can't I just sit in my room and sing when I want to? Why couldn't they even let me go to my fucking exams by myself? Why do I have to go to school to learn stuff that I don't even like?That I don't even know if I'm ever going to use it. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where I even want to go. I don't have a place where I feel it's okay for me to just do what I want. The closest thing is the tiny space in my room where my desk is, where I'm sitting now. I can sing here. I can be here. But if the door even opens a bit, or I hear someone else move throughout the house, I feel as though I shouldn't make noise. As though I shouldn't be here, to even risk disturbing them.

But then I get so frustrated when I finally have a chance to hang out with my friends and I don't have transportation that was promised to me. Can I call them friends? I can't tell them any of this. I could tell Becca and Nick about the problem with my face, but I could never speak anything about my grades. I don't want them to know that I'm such a failure, that I'm so weak and misguided.

What's wrong with me? I adamantly denied any possibility of a relationship with Kevin because I felt he was so inadequate with his schooling and general life goals. Not that I want to be with him either way, he's just a friend. But why did I do that? Why did I tell myself that he wasn't good enough? Who am I to judge a person that way?

Over all the only thing that I consider good to happen in the last month is getting the new Tsubasa manga. Isn't that pathetic? Taking refuge in anime and manga. I'm so worthless. Even when I speak to other people, they always think I say something else or I have to repeat myself so many times for them to hear clearly that they get fed up and don't listen. Like, I told my mum I'm starting to write something called "I know what you wish to lie" and then she started going on about how my old job in retail must've really affected me, thinking "lie" was "buy." That's a horrible example of this, but the only one that comes to mind. Probably because it was so insulting that she'd go on for so long about it, ignoring me trying to correct her. People get so frustrated when this happens, but they get so dejected when I stay quiet.

I really am a worthless person.

With a spring wind

breathin' in the breeze

Today marked the last day of lectures. All that's left is exams! Then a summer course on photography. I've decided that I'm going to change schools and try go to Sheridan in my third year, for a 3 year media program. There's a lot of confusion trying to sort out my school. I feel bad pushing another year of financing it on my parents, but I've decided to work a bunch during the summer and part time during the year to eventually save up enough to move out when I finish. I won't have student debt because I'm living at home, so I'll just have to try and buy less band merchandise.

Speaking of music, flippin' MIYAVI is coming to Toronto!! [Hence the lyric drop...] I bought Nikki her ticket, and bought mine within 10 minutes of them going on sale. I'm so excited for this! I've had dreams about buying merch before Miyavi's set already. Let's use this topic to segue into: Nikki is going to Japan in a couple days! I need to set up a skype account so she can skype me during sakura viewing, because she's getting there right when it starts!

In other news, I've started writing a bit again. I'm re-writing what used to be called "Nights violin" and is now titled "I know what you wish to lie." I'm changing it a bunch though, from setting to plot, even the characters. It's going super slow though, because I'm always either studying or being a nerd and watching anime.

Finally started watching FMA though! I watched a bunch of others because I wasn't that interested, but heard Ed's voice in japanese. It sounded super familiar, and turns out it's the same voice actor that does Nana Oosaki! That excited me a bit.

The poem I wrote last time was my feelings about the happenings about my Opa, who at the time was hospitalized. He passed away in February. However, I think the most traumatic part was the fact that it took place at the same funeral home that Tom had his viewing. Actually, Tom's death anniversary was yesterday. I've been having funeral nightmares lately, probably because of this. All I can do is belt out some tunes in my room and try to keep my mind occupied.