... that don't belong.
The last sort of diary post was of my break down over my first year in university. Thankfully, life has gotten better! I've progressed in romance, and have even started writing again. Though I've realized I've started back into my old habits, and really need to push through them. I thought that having new elements in my life would help motivate me, but I suppose I depend on that fact too much and haven't really put in the effort. I will try this time to make my life more prosperous, so I don't end up like before.
There are a few things I need to write down, so I'll try to order them. Firstly, I should discuss the romance. At the end of my first year, I had feelings for one of my best friends who I call Chuckles. I'd had them for around a year by then, and over the summer things started to progress with that. I'd been told by Becca often that he and Kevin would often get into silly quarrels about their feelings over me, but I always tried not to let it get to my head. It wasn't definite, I didn't want to overstep my bounds. Then Tyler's 19th birthday party came. Chuckles didn't attend, for he was at another party he'd already rsvp'd to. He came up in conversation since he was missing, and we talked about how silly and hilarious he is. Then the guys started saying how Chuckles always talked about me as well, saying how much of a sweetheart I am and all these things. I was super happy about this, and couldn't stop smiling for the longest time.
[BTW, there was this guy Hutch at the party that was apparently hitting on me the whole time and I was super oblivious. It stopped after this though... Ha.]
Martin decided he was drunk, and blatantly said so, and that he should tell me straight up that Chuckles actually had wanted to date me for the longest time. The only thing that's held him back was my being straight edge, not the drinking or the drugs but the fact that I wouldn't have sex.
This hit me so hard.
I ended up thinking about that for a long time. My initial response was having my heart explode from happiness that he felt the same way, and I started debating ways I could give subtle hints for him to make a move. But then I started thinking about his reason that had prevented him so far. If it was so important for him to have such an intimate physical relationship, even if we did date wouldn't that just ruin everything? We'd end up torn by my uncertainty and chastity, and not only destroy whatever sort of romance could've been built but also our friendship. I'd consulted with Becca and a few guy friends in Timmies about this dilemma, and they agreed it was best to let it go.
Still, it's hard to just let go of something like that. I'd liked him for over a year, and he was/is also one of my best friends.
I decided to focus on my interest in Terry [who I will talk about in my next post!] and try to rid of my feelings for Chuckles. It took a lot of effort, and it seemed so vain because he still acted exactly the same and said such sweet things that it pierced my heart every time.
Then one day, we met up for lunch with Becca and Nikki at Pho Mi. Chuckles was the last to arrive. He walked in as usual, wearing a tie and a hat to cover his recently shaved hair. But there was a hickey on his neck.
How stupid could I be, getting my hopes up like that? Even though I'd told myself not to like him, I still held onto hope from what was said at that party. It didn't occur to me he was actually so hung up on the intimate physical relationship. I was so struck by it that I ended up glancing at his neck the whole meal, then decided it didn't exist. Later that night I was still caught up in that delusion that I even pointed it out asking what the heck he did, and if he wanted a band-aid as though it were a cut. Becca pestered him about who it was that gave him the hickey, and he made up such ridiculous things like "Spider bite, Martin did it, I ran into a door" and so on.
Thus ended my romantic attachment to Chuckles, who is to remain my best guy friend that tells ridiculous stories of the Mongolians, orphans, and mutilations. I hope he'll always be my friend.
Posts
