... just to call this place home
During my last class Terry texted me saying he couldn't hang today 'cause he needed to study, which ended up being a good thing because I forgot I made plans with Becca to hang after classes because it's the anniversary of her fathers death. We ended up at burger king, where I ate a whopper jr., then we went to Tako for dessert but it was closed. We then saw quiznos, and I bought a six in sub there and ate then. Then Becca wanted ice cream, so we went to Baskin robins and I bought two chocolate bars in the hasty market. I wasn't even hungry, but I just kept eating. Probably because I didn't eat a lot during the weekend.
I haven't really talked to Terry in a few days because of school and stuff, and I accidently ran into him on his way to class today so I saw him for all of 35 seconds. We've really only been texting each other, and it's nothing terribly in depth. I feel like we don't actually talk, and when I'm apart from him for more than a couple days I start feeling really insecure and doubtful of my feelings towards him and his feelings towards me. When he stayed over after Alexx's birthday, the next day we were napping on the couch and when I was half asleep he whispered that he loved me into my ear. At first I played it off as though I was still asleep, even though I wasn't quite unconscious yet. He said it again soon after when I woke up, and the only thing I could think of to do was kiss him quick a couple times and then bury my face in his chest to keep him from seeing my face. I do like him, but we've only been seeing each other since the end of August. We've barely passed the one month point. I didn't think he'd really push saying it again, but a couple days later we were in his room napping again [we really do nap a lot...] and he said it.
Twice.
The first time I pretended to be unconscious again, I was facing away from him using his arm as a pillow and he was sort of stroking my torso while taking super small detours to brush over my chest/thigh/butt when I was actually asleep but half awake when he touched me... I just typed some inappropriate things for the internet. Anyways he continued to stroke my torso and then pulled me in even closer and whispered it into my ear again. Okayyyy, a while later I was lying on my side with my face buried in his chest and he was stroking my hair and he said it again. I just couldn't not say anything again, and I couldn't bring myself to say something else so I ended up mumbling "Love you too," where he then started hugging me closer and kissing my face again. He often kisses and strokes my face by the way, and sometimes he'll hold me up a bit or slightly pin me down and say he wants to look at me. I tend to bury my face into his neck and chest most of the time, and it makes me rather self conscious when he does this. One time he said this after I sat up to look out the window at the rain, and I sort of mumbled a bit before checking the time on my phone. The phone illumination hit my face and he said "Oh, I knew it. You look better in the light." Which was unbelievably sweet.
I start to notice how little I know about him when we're apart, and sometimes when we're together. I know his general background of where he's lived and that he didn't have too great a time in high school, and that he never goes to play parks. We went to one when we were in guelph and he said it was the last time he could remember being at one was when he was ten. I'd like him to open up to me more like that. I want to know his little quirks, his favourite foods, his routines... But I feel awkward just asking him, and I can't always pick up on these things with observation. I ramble when I'm nervous and he makes me feel all fluttery so I end up talking about a whole bunch of habits and different things. My friends sorta spew out the same things about me when we all hang as well, like my habit to say "the that" or "and stuff" when I don't want to mention something awkward or have nothing else to add. Then I realize I've never really been able to hang with his friends. They really don't seem very interested in talking with me, because a few times I've ended up by myself with them in the room and they hardly even look up from their computer. I try starting conversation, like asking about the games they're playing and how classes are going and such. I even brought them pizza one time since I knew Terry and I hadn't eaten, but only one of them took part in it. One of his roommates approached me when we crossed paths once, and we exchanged simple greetings and such. I've also invited him to a lot of my friend hang outs, but he's never invited me to his. Whenever we go to his house he ends up leading me straight up to his room. Actually that's a lie, he invited me to go to nuit blanche with him Saturday, but I'd already made pub plans with friends. I found out after he was going with a bunch of people, though he never ended up going.
Why do I feel so insecure when I don't see him for a while? He's such a sweetheart. I contradict myself with this, because I felt it was too fast for us to be in love but I get so uneasy when I can't be near him. Even when we hold hands I find myself holding onto his shirt or forearm with my other hand. I don't get to see him until Wednesday, and even then only for around an hour. If he doesn't have to study or meet up with his lab group. Auuuggggghhh this is making me crazy!
I miss him.
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